Anthology Quest: Creepshow 3 (2006)

Next up in my quest for horror anthologies is this oft-hated turd - the dreaded, name-stealing, non-Stephen King or George Romero-related, terrible, terrible movie Creepshow 3. Weird that I should watch this one right after seeing what should have been, and what Tom Savini calls, the real Creepshow 3, Tales from the Darkside. Anyway, I made a promise to myself way back when I started this blog that I was always going to be 100% honest in my reviews.

So are you all going to disown me when I say that I didn't entirely hate Creepshow 3 (notice I said 'entirely')? Probably, and I don't blame you because this little straight-to-video sequel seems to have every Creepshow fan frothing at the mouth at its mere mention and swearing death to the two filmmakers responsible for its existence. So I say, let's not think of this as "Creepshow 3" for this review, m'kay? Let's remember that this is technically not really a Creepshow movie at all and that King and Romero never went anywhere near it.

Are you still doing okay? Breathe. Remember to breathe.

Yes, Creepshow 3 sucks ass. I get that, I really do. But I'm not going to lie and say that I didn't at least have some fun watching it and laughing at it. I didn't get angry at it for trying to pass itself off as a Creepshow film - it's fairly obvious in the first five minutes or so that this thing was not going to be nearly as charming as the original film. So I calmly put that out of my head and just let the movie be what it was, which is to say a convoluted mash-up of five of the most retarded quasi-horror stories I've ever seen. The stories are thinly strung together; the acting is at times like watching a bunch of hyenas bouncing around throwing poop at each other; and the writing and direction show all the skills of a schizophrenic on acid... BUT, it still has mild entertainment value at some points simply because of its silliness. You also cannot take it even the least bit seriously, and again, remember that it is a Creepshow movie in name ONLY.

The first story is called "Alice" and confused the hell out of me because I thought for the first few minutes that this was the wraparound story instead of the first of the shorts. Alice is a typical bratty teenager who never really seems to do anything wrong other than make fun of her neighbors. This is however apparently enough to make the strange professor sell her father a strange remote that somehow manages to turn her into a bulbous, pus-filled mass. Then at the end he again somehow manages to use the remote to turn her into a white rabbit, which he keeps as a pet. Stupid, stupid story. But nice makeup work on Alice - just a little stupid how Alice deals with her morphing body by... eating the professor's wedding cake when she walks into his house for help. That's not even funny at all. That's just stupid script writing.

One of my new acting loves A.J. Bowen stars in the next segment called "The Radio." Absolutely nothing horror in this one at all. Just a radio that talks to a guy in a sexy female voice and tells him to steal money. I liked watching this one only because I like Bowen, and he plays this character with that subtle comedy and charm that I like so much. The rest of the thing is dull. This is a horror anthology, people. Yeah, this may be supernatural and Twilight Zone-y, but it's also freaking lame, especially the ending. Give me the next one.

Now we've got "Call Girl," which stars a chick with a kick-ass body (yes, I'm jealous) as a serial killing call girl who gets her comeuppance. She goes over to the wrong john's house and ends up getting killed by the dude after she has supposedly killed him herself. You see, he's a vampire. And he's a really stupid-looking vampire, too. Quite possibly my least favorite vampire makeup from any movie ever. It's cartoony and silly, with the mouth all big and full of sharp teeth. I liked that they had a woman be a serial murderer and the scene where she kills the vampire is nice because she really seems to enjoy it in a sickening way. Other than that, there's nothing else to the story and they really could have come up with something much more interesting.

I hate to have to admit this, but "The Professor's Wife" was my favorite. I think this is the one story in the whole bunch that actually fit in as a Creepshow-worthy story because it has that same feeling of being funny, bloody, and campy that the real Creepshow movies have. Bad part about this segment was the lamely shot little "flashback" scenes while the two guys remember the pranks their professor used to play on them. They've come to the professor's house to meet his fiance, whom they suspect is a robot. The professor leaves, and the guys decide to take the robot apart to find out how she works. Of course, she's not really a robot and the scene where they gleefully cut her up and marvel at her craftsmanship while playing with her insides was admittedly pretty hilarious and kind of a joy to watch.

Now, we're to the last story which is called "Haunted Dog." And by that I mean "hot dog." This is by far the worst of the bunch, even if it is the funniest. A smarmy and thoughtless doctor causes the death of a homeless guy by giving him a hot dog that the dropped on the ground. The homeless guy then starts haunting the doctor until he finally kills him. Again, retarded story, but the surprisingly funny performance by the doctor made this one more than slightly enjoyable, especially in the montage scenes where he's popping pills while attending to his patients. He was hilarious and I dug these parts.

Are we still friends, guys? I'm not saying that Creepshow 3 is a movie that I'm going to want to see a dozen more times (hell, even as a completist I don't feel any kind of need to add this to my collection) but it's also not one that I completely loathed watching. It has its fun moments, though few, and had it been called anything other than Creepshow 3, I'm fairly sure that people wouldn't hate it as much as they do. It doesn't resemble either of the two original movies in shape, form or guts - it doesn't even have the goshdarn Creep! Blasphemous! - and I completely agree that it shouldn't bear the Creepshow name. But, it is a movie that one can enjoy at least for its runtime if they are in the right kind of mood. I guess I was in just such a mood when I watched Creepshow 3. Didn't love it, but I've seen way worse.