Movie Review: Witchboard (1986)

 

So instead of possibly boring and disappointing myself with the recent film Ouija, I decided instead to check out this other Ouija board-inspired flick that I had faintly heard about a few times. Witchboard, written and directed by Kevin Tenney of Night of the Demons horror fame, is an interesting 80s output that doesn't feature a lot of action or gore, but is still a rather interesting and different approach to the chosen story.

When Linda's friend Brandon brings a Ouija board to a party and contacts a spirit named David, Linda becomes more and more interested with the board and starts talking to David herself. Her boyfriend Jim notices a change in her behavior, but is skeptical that the board has anything to do with it - or with the strange deaths that start to occur. Brandon tries to convince Jim that the spirit - whoever it actually is - is dangerous and is actually wants to possess Linda.

Witchboard hovers pretty heavily over the line between horror and horror/comedy, but never fully commits to either one. The movie is not at all scary or suspenseful, nor is it ever laugh-out-loud funny. But you know what? That's okay. Like I said, Tenney's approach to the story is different from what others might have done, which is part of what makes it such an interesting film. It doesn't seem typical of an 80s film - it takes itself more seriously, and is not at all sleazy, cheesy, or cheap (in the good way). Witchboard establishes an odd and difficult tone for itself, but it manages to make it work.

Even though there are supernatural forces at work here, the occurrences are relatively tame and not that exciting. It's usually just a couple of jump moments with things getting thrown around, although there is one pretty cool moment with Linda in the kitchen. A knife goes flying off a magnetic board on the refrigerator and lands blade down on a rug. Then a bottle of ketchup turns over and drips down right on the spot where the knife fell. A nice little creative, ominous moment there. There's also a quick shower scene where Linda is trapped under scalding hot water and has to break her way out. The séance scene is fairly creepy with the way that David speaks through the medium - and this is really the only creepy thing to look forward to (makes my ghost-loving self kinda sad).

Some outside characters are the ones who have to die in Witchboard. The first is a friend of Jim's who is killed by falling sheetrock on a construction site. Jim's missing hatchet becomes the culprit that causes the accident, which brings in this whole unnecessary sideplot with a detective who is convinced that Jim is a killer. Seriously, it's not that important. Another poor soul is first chased through their house by an unseen force and then tossed out a window where they land on a very sharp sundial. Again, points for creativity. The death of a main character was very surprising, and actually made me mad because I liked the guy. He gets a hatchet to the face and then falls in the water - but I'm still trying to figure out how the ghost got the hatchet in the first place and where it went... The climactic scene between the spirit and Jim also has the movie's big effects shots within close succession of each other. The quality is indicative of the time, if you get what I mean, but I didn't mind so much.

Now, Tawny Kitaen is not the first person that comes to mind when thinking about people who should be in horror movies. I'll be damned, though, if she wasn't pretty decent. Her portrayal of Linda is not anything Oscar-worthy, of course, but she establishes a character well and gives a convincing performance, which is all you could really hope for. The two guys playing Jim and Brandon - Todd Allen and Stephen Nichols - are cute in their 80s way (guys back then really knew how to wear jeans, lemme tell you) and their animosity towards each other is part of what makes the movie funny at times. Actress Kathleen Wilhoite (Susan's sister from "ER," thank you very much!) plays medium Zarabeth and wears one of the craziest and literally the most noisy outfit I've ever seen. She keeps trying to provide some "psychic humor" but mostly ends up being more annoying than funny. Actually one of the last scenes is probably the funniest because they try to fake the audience out on what is happening.

Witchboard is odd and somewhat unpredictable, but it's a nice change of pace from a decade that had so many movies that were similar to each other.

Franchise Review: Puppet Master [9]: Axis of Evil (2010)

 

I have finally gotten over my anger at Puppet Master 8 long enough to trudge along to the next film in the series. It wasn't easy, I tell you. That movie was a really, really disappointing piece of shit. Granted, Puppet Master: Axis of Evil, the ninth film in the series, is not hugely impressive or anything but it's still a fuck of a lot better than its predecessor.

Taking place literally immediately after the first Puppet Master, this film introduces a new master that has never been mentioned before. Young Danny Coogan works at the Bodega Bay Inn and takes the puppets from their hiding spot after Andre Toulon kills himself. The Nazis who came after Toulon apparently also had another mission - and Danny and the puppets work together to put a stop to them.

So I had a slight panic attack at the beginning of this movie when they started showing archival footage from the original Puppet Master. But thankfully only just enough was used to establish the new timeline, and actually, the old and the new footage blend together fairly well. The Nazi guys are obviously completely different, but the set was recreated with some care, and it was wonderful to see the original Toulon, William Hickey, again (although I prefer Guy Rolfe). Also a bit physically different are the puppets themselves. The design of Blade and Pinhead in particular are just a little off, although not radically.

If you've followed my Puppet Master reviews thus far, you've probably realized that I like the story best when it deals with Toulon and the Nazi angle. Well, Toulon obviously doesn't make it into this story so that sucks. Incredibly bad and stilted acting aside, the Nazi angle gets handled as best it can. Apparently, it was part of Hitler's evil plan for two random Nazis to hook up with one random Japanese chick to blow up this one random building in New York. There is some kind of American "secret ingredient" inside for making their missiles more powerful or something stupid like that, I don't remember. What I remember most from this movie is the horrible dialogue delivery from Dragon Lady, with all kinds of weird pauses and such. Oh, and her nails are also quite memorable. Those things were out of control. I like the color, though.

Sadly, once again, the puppets seem to only be a small plot point in Axis of Evil. We have to go through the whole thing of Danny messing with the puppets and figuring out how to animate them - INJECT THE GREEN STUFF INTO THEIR NECKS, JACKHOLE - and then they occasionally get some screen time. But really, why did he have to animate them again anyway? He got them literally right after Toulon put them into the trunk, so shouldn't they still be animated? This movie introduces us to a brand-new puppet, a ninja puppet cleverly named Ninja. The fun side to this guy is that he has the soul of Danny's brother Don, who as they establish a few times earlier in the movie is really good at sneaking up on people. See what they did there? Ninja has his trusty throwing stars and pretty much looks like a ninja except for his weird glowy red eyes. And Leech Woman is back!

Aside from the aforementioned Dragon Lady, the acting in this installment is surprisingly not that bad. It's incredibly cheesy and lame, like a bad war effort promotional video from the actual time period or something, but all the actors do their best with it. Danny, Don, their mother, and Danny's girlfriend Beth are quite likable (but still lame). It's pretty cruel when Mom and Don are gunned down by Nazi Klaus, but at least this part kicks off the final action sequence of the film. Leech Woman even gets in on it when she pukes up a leech onto the plate of one of the Japanese bodyguards and he stupidly eats it and somehow dies from it. The other bodyguard is tunneled in the head by Tunneler; Klaus gets a throwing star in his eye; and Max gets stabbed by Ninja. Dragon Lady escapes the film and the building with a bag that has the remaining puppets - Blade, Pinhead, and Ninja are left out - and the film ends by heavily implying that the next installment will be a direct continuation of this story. If it's not, then I will just be really pissed off and disappointed because that is no way to end a movie.

Puppet Master: Axis of Evil is actually not a bad entry into the series. It's not really great, either, just... passable. More important though, guys: Do I really just have ONE film left before I have completely finished the Puppet Master series? I can hardly believe it.

Movie Review: The Guest (2014)

 

Usually when I'm watching a new film that I plan to review for my blog, I like to take little notes that might help me with the review later. A funny line to remember here, a cool kill or special effect there. When I sat down to watch The Guest, I had my notebook out and ready to go - and I didn't write a single word. I could not force myself to take my eyes off the screen for that long.

A man named David arrives one day at the home of the Peterson family, claiming to be a military friend of their son who died overseas. David quickly befriends the family and includes himself in their lives, but something is obviously not right with him... and daughter Anna soon becomes very suspicious of this seemingly perfect houseguest.

Right from the beginning, the movie doesn't fuck around with the usual plot pleasantries. There are no opening credits, just a short starting shot, and then "The Guest" in large purple-bluish letters (odd color choice) with ominous music underneath. Two minutes into the movie, the doorbell rings and the audience is introduced to the guest in question, David. From then on, the movie burns at a sort of slow pace, with just enough humor and pops of action to keep the audience watching and waiting for what they know is probably going to be something really awesome at the climax. Of course I knew to expect something awesome because The Guest comes to us courtesy of my current favorite filmmaking duo, Adam Wingard and Simon Barrett. I promise to stop talking about how much I love them when they stop making awesome films. Which is hopefully never.

Actor Dan Steven expertly plays David. Stevens brings to David that brilliant combination of charming, chilling, and creepy. Some of this comes out from Barrett's dialogue, but it is also aided by Stevens' piercing blue eyes and chiseled good looks. He plays the role calmly but with immense control at the same time - able to completely change his demeanor with a simple tic of his mouth or flick of his eyes. In his action scenes he barely has to move, but still causes a lot of damage, which is what makes these scenes a lot of fun.

The Peterson family is also a nice combination of veterans and newcomers who all bring something to the table for their individual roles. Sheila Kelley and Leland Orser (both of whom I knew only by face and not name before this) are the parents, Laura and Spencer. Laura is grieving and therefore too trusting of David, and Spencer is the skeptical one - but only at first. After he finally trusts David, all of his lines seem to be about having a drink with him. Friendless son Luke is played by Brendan Meyer, and Maika Monroe as Anna is really the one who carries most of the film, and she does it well. The only problem is that the two siblings don't really have that much contact through most of the film, which becomes a slight flaw by the conclusion.

What really drives the movie, possibly even more than the performances, is the soundtrack. I admittedly don't have that great of an ear for music, but it would be hard for anyone to ignore the beats that wonderfully accompany many scenes in The Guest. Where other horror films would have creepy piano music, or where an action movie might have the latest popular radio tune, the music here is funky and electronic, with an 80s vibe that really shouldn't fit in with the story but somehow does. It was weird and different, and was strangely what pulled me more into some scenes that otherwise might have been boring.

The Guest is completely not what you think it is going to be. The plot is as simple as it presents itself to be, but with the film laid out much like a horror film (with plenty of action thrown in there) you'll probably be looking into reasons and motivations a lot more than you need to. I know I was. I dared to look on IMDb to see the consensus view on this film and almost all the posts seem to be of the "worst movie ever!!!" variety, so maybe The Guest is one of those movies that will not affect everyone in the same way. I found it to be a pretty slick and cool tale from two filmmakers who manage to once again take our expectations and turn them on their head.

Sidenote: Near the end of the film, in the Halloween maze, did it say "You're next" on the wall? I only saw "you're" and it seemed like it was written similarly to how it was in the movie You're Next, which is a nice nod to Wingard and Barrett's previous film, obviously. Very fun.

Movie Review: Gutterballs (2008)

 

Sophistication met utter crap the other night when my movie-watching Friday was a mash-up of Liam Neeson in A Walk Among the Tombstones, immediately followed by... Gutterballs. I'm not even really sure what made me add Gutterballs to my queue in the first place, and it almost pains me to admit that I didn't regret it. That much.

(By the way, A Walk Among the Tombstones is really good.)

Two rival bowling teams meet at the alley after hours for a little healthy competition. But things turn bad after one game, when hottie Lisa is brutally gang raped by all four members of the opposing team. The next night, the bowling alley becomes a scene of equally brutal slaughter when a masked killer starts picking off all the players one by one.

This is a movie that I don't really know what to do with. As an extremely trashy, annoying, exploitation movie throwback, Gutterballs definitely succeeds, and almost rises beyond what it needs to do in order to live up to that reputation. Filmmaker Ryan Nicholson takes the typical rape/revenge exploitation plot, adds in the requisite over-the-top villains (the rapists, not the killer), peppers in other airhead characters to be fodder for the killer, and tops it all off with some ridiculously gory and equally exploitative kills. In a lot of ways, this setup worked for me. But there were a few things that took me out of the film's cheesy world that made me not completely love it for what it was.

All of the characters here are just gawd awful, as they should be. I didn't even really like any of the good guys, except maybe for Jamie and Lisa. Really, their stupid costuming was enough to make me not like these people. It's not even that the acting was bad - all of these guys were actually great at what they did and the people they were trying to portray. It's just that all these people are people that I wouldn't be able to stand being around. The true scene-stealers in terms of awfulness are of course Steve, AJ, and Joey - our three douchebaggy rapists. The fourth guy, Patrick, is the reluctant abuser which makes him slightly less douchebaggy than his friends. But only slightly. Steve must have seriously high blood pressure as he has a constant 'roid-rage attitude. Everything he says must be YELLED and every sentence he says must contain at least three uses of the word "fuck." But AJ, however, is just the worst. Again, props to the actor for his commitment, but OH MY GOODNESS. That laugh? That face he makes when he laughs? That popped collar??? I could not wait to see what kind of death this guy got.

Speaking of which. The gore in Gutterballs, I have to admit, was kind of amazing. There are truly some inventive and, like I said before, ridiculous kills, many of them bowling pin related. One person gets the worst eye-gouging I've ever seen with the sharpened end of a pin while another one just gets a pin shoved down their throat. Also with throats, there is a nice slashing and a strangling with the strings of a pair of bowling shoes. I can't even describe the first two deaths because they're just icky and you have to see it for yourself. Probably my favorite kill was the one involving the ball waxing machine (a machine for waxing BOWLING balls, just to be clear). Gutterballs also has what I am now calling the best shotgun death ever. One character gets a blast that hits him in the neck which makes his neck kind of explode, leaving his head to flop over to one side. One thing that was kind of pissing me off at first about these deaths was that all the good people were the ones dying, and that they were getting it just as bad, if not worse, than the rapists do later on. Nevertheless, the gore and effects in Gutterballs is actually really impressive and I quite enjoyed it.

The rape scene confused me a little. Sometimes it is actually shot the way it needs to be - from the victim's point of view, showing the harsh reality of the crime and the savagery of the offenders. But then the other half of the time, it is shot in a manner more along the lines of exploitation. There are many shots of Lisa's exposed, perfect breasts, and her long, slender legs on Steve's shoulders when he rapes her. So they somehow managed to sexualize and exploit the scene, and make it sympathetic at the same time. One really atrocious thing they do in this scene is feature these horrible, non-realistic sound effects for I'm assuming comedic purposes - because it's funny to rape a girl with a bowling pin.

Nevertheless, Gutterballs is pretty much exactly what it wanted to be. A completely crazy and kitschy exploitation film with all the sex, nudity, and gore that you could possibly stand from such a film. It's got real boobs, fake penises, buckets of blood, and according to Wikipedia, 625 uses of the word "fuck." Break out the popcorn and indulge in something truly trashy for your next movie night. And be prepared for Gutterballs 2: Balls Deep, which I believe they are currently working on!

Short and Sweet: "Strange Thing" (2015)

I always try to appreciate and commend good work when I see it, which is why I have to show and tell you all about this wonderful sci-fi/horror short. "Strange Thing" by filmmaker Alrik Bursell is the story of married couple Jake and Kris who one day discover that a door has mysteriously appeared in their living room. What's behind the door and where does it lead? Watch the short below to find out!

"Strange Thing" is most impressive because of its fantastic effects work, which apparently involved 20 gallons of black ooze, according to Bursell. It's kind of gross, kind of creepy, and very mysterious - the perfect short. It gives just enough of the story to give you quick satisfaction, but leaves so much more room to grow. Nice work!

Movie Review: City of the Living Dead (1980)

 

It is good to be acquainted with you again, Mr. Fulci. I believe we last visited during my viewing of The Black Cat, which was okay but not necessarily my favorite of your work (thus far, that is). It was certainly no House by the Cemetery, tell you what! I bumped City of the Living Dead up my queue recently because I was jonesing for what I hoped the movie would be.

A priest's suicide in a cemetery in the small town of Dunwich causes the gates of Hell to open, and the recently dead to come back as horrid zombies. At the same time, a psychic in New York named Mary has a vision of these events and together with a newspaper reporter, they travel to Dunwich to close the gates of Hell before All Saints' Day, lest the dead never be free to rest peacefully.

So this is most definitely an odd one. Fulci somehow takes a zombie story and mixes it with elements of the supernatural - which shouldn't actually be that much of a stretch, but it is when you handle it this way. There's the obvious psychic connection to the other world with the character of Mary, but a lot of other random weirdness happens here. A bar is destroyed by something unseen. The living dead disappear and reappear seemingly at will, and seem to have a strange hypnotic power. Oh yes, we will be talking more about THAT element of the story later. Could some of this have to do with the fact that the ancestors of Dunwich burned women accused of witchcraft during the Salem trials? Is it a curse? I don't know, maybe. This is an approach to the zombie genre that I haven't seen before, and I'm not entirely sure if it works or not, in a long term sense. But for this one movie, Fulci at least makes it entertaining, even if there isn't much sense to be had.

It's really all in the presentation, really. The way Fulci introduces the story is at times confusing. Transitions between locations and scenes are often unclear, and new character after new character are introduced with hardly an introduction. Eventually there comes to be a core four that make up the main cast - Peter the reporter, Mary the psychic, and Dunwich residents Gerry and Sandra (he's a psychiatrist, she's his patient). It is up to the audience to figure out that the other people that are randomly introduced are just other people in Dunwich that aren't really that important. Probably the weirdest side character and side plot is that of Bob, who has some kind of bad reputation among the locals because of his relationships with ladies - possibly criminal? Again, I don't know, and it doesn't have anything to do with zombies so who cares.

City of the Living Dead is certainly memorable in the gross-out and kill departments. Of course I almost vomited myself during the scene where a young woman is zombie-hypnotized by the dead priest. She first starts to bleed from her eyes, which was gross enough, but then comes the infamous part where she pukes up her internal organs. As a horror fan, I fucking loved that. Genius. My gag reflex, however, did not enjoy it so much, but that was probably the point, amirite? There are a lot of other great gags in the movie besides this one, too. My favorite was actually Bob's death by a drill through the head. There was really beautiful, seamless effects work on that one, and I loved how they showed it pretty much uncut. Also awesome were the couple of times when zombies would just rip off the backs of peoples' heads, skull and all - pretty effortlessly, I might add. I'm jealous of their hand strength. Strange as it was, the randomness of the maelstrom of maggots that come flying through the window was also... interesting.

Couple other high points: the scene where Peter is freeing Mary from her coffin was hilarious. He had absolutely no regard for how hard he was swinging that pickaxe or where it happened to land on the coffin. Kind of strange, but great for a little tension even though it was comedic. I also dug the makeup on the zombies' faces, all gross flesh and wormy. For the finale, the group heads underground into the priest's crypt, and this was a cool location with awesome set design. During the burning sequence, though, there were a couple of wide shots that I could not figure out how they were possible because of the tightness of the location. Then the low point of the movie comes right at the end, when Mary and Gerry emerge from the crypt and John-John, the brother of a girl who turns into a zombie, comes running at them happily. For some unknown reason, they suddenly get scared and start screaming, and cracks appear on the screen and the movie is over and we are all left confused.

As for the rest of it, City of the Living Dead is a pretty badass outing from Fulci. I liked the different approach to the typical zombie story, and the gore was freaking amazing. This is one for fans not to miss, for sure.

Franchise Review: Puppet Master [8]: The Legacy (2003)

 

WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK. What kind of bullshit shenanigans are they playing with us here, with Puppet Master: "The Legacy"? Well at least I could get some other stuff done while watching this movie because 95% of it was archival footage from all the previous Puppet Master films. I feel like there should have been some warning about that.

The present day story of this movie has the new Puppet Master, Hertz (the child that Andre Toulon saved from the Nazis in Puppet Master 3: Toulon's Revenge), being confronted by some serious military chick with a gun claiming that she wants the secret formula. Then they just sort of waste time with each other going over all the events of all the previous movies.

How in the world am I supposed to write a review for this movie? There is really no reason for this movie to even exist, and all it does is spit on whatever "legacy" that the series has earned for itself thus far. I love the Puppet Master movies, and while some have been mildly disappointing in their own ways, this is the first one to just be a total suckfest. I mean, did they really expect any other reaction to this laziness? I guess I will say that the one thing that this installment does right is to use the best parts of all the previous movies during the archived footage scenes. It was nice to see the stuff from Toulon's Revenge again, for instance, which is still the best out of the entire series. Also, the old footage is much better quality in this movie, so that's another very small, minor plus.

I can't give Puppet Master: The Legacy too much more positive feedback. All the new footage, save for one small scene at the beginning, consists of the chick and Hertz in one room of the Bodega Bay Inn, even though you would have never guessed that they were there if they hadn't told you. Also, the chick's name is apparently Maclain (according to wiki) but I don't remember anybody ever saying that. The actors are okay enough, but that's not much of a compliment since they don't really do anything. I really missed Toulon this time around - I'm sorry, I mean anything NEW involving Toulon. There was plenty of shit that I've already seen in the seven movies before this. Only Toulon's voice from the tape recorder is in this movie, and it's not even Guy Rolfe's voice so fuck that, seriously. Blade, Jester, Pinhead, Tunneler, and Six Shooter only really appear as background observers here and don't get to do anything, so fuck that too.

Just fuck this whole movie. I've already given it more attention than it deserves. Next one, please.

Movie Review: What Have You Done to Solange? (1972)

 

So, where are all the bad giallos? I honestly don't think I've come across one yet that I have not thoroughly enjoyed. I might have found this film eventually, but mostly it was added to my queue because of the involvement of one Camille Keaton, who plays the titular character of Solange. The only slight warning here is that you do have to wait quite a long time to actually see her.

Enrico, a professor at a girls Catholic school is out having an affair with one of his students when the two become a part of the scene of a brutal killing of another young girl. More deaths soon follow, and though Enrico is initially a suspect, he becomes determined to find out who is committing these acts and why.

Okay, let me just get this out of the way. The movie was a bit more graphic than I was expecting when it came to the murders. With the first murder by the river bank - the one witnessed by pervy Enrico and his school girl fling Elizabeth - we see the girl running through the trees from the killer... and then comes the money shot. The girl's knees are parted and the black-gloved killer stabs her between the legs with a knife. That was bad enough. But later on, the police - for some ridiculous reason - show the pictures of the corpse to all the professors at Enrico's school, so I had to see that shit yet again. Oh but wait! For some other ridiculous reason, the police decide to show the girl's father the X-ray of his daughter's pelvis with the 7-inch knife all the way up her body. Seriously. I GET IT. Please stop showing me this stuff. I'm not saying it was unnecessary or anything, and at the end we find out why it is symbolic, but my lady parts hurt just thinking about it.

Traumatic female wounding aside, What Have You Done to Solange? is a pretty great giallo film. The plot definitely takes some more twists and turns than previous films I've seen, and it becomes more than just a simple murder mystery. Similar to something like The Bird with the Crystal Plumage, the main character starts out wanting to solve the murders in order to clear himself from suspicion, but that changes when the circumstances become more personal. From the title, we all know that this has to do with someone named Solange. However, that name is not even mentioned until 1 hour and 15 minutes into the movie. It's a bit frustrating but effective in making sure that you keep watching until the very end to find out just what was done to Solange and what it has to do with the murders.

The plot is very well paced, and there all of the scenes are important to the next turn of the storyline. There is just the right amount of suspects and red herrings to keep the audience guessing, with new possible suspects and motives being revealed all the time as the mystery unfolded. The film is not terribly exciting in terms of action or suspense really, not even in the murder scenes, but I never minded that. I loved the characters and trying to figure out their secrets, and was never hoping for anything more than what I was given. The murder scenes are sometimes beautiful and very stylized in their execution, usually from the point of view of the killer and never really shows much of their body, so it could be either male or female. The film is bloodless in a beautiful way, able to show the brutality of each act without getting overly graphic. The female nudity - and there's quite a bit - also does not feel that graphic, but rather natural and normal for each situation that it shows up in.

Mostly what I was interested in with What Have You Done to Solange? was the character relationships, and the way they were handled. Most interesting, and somewhat baffling, was the marriage of Enrico and Herta. Enrico doesn't do that great of a job covering up his pervert affair with his student Elizabeth (he even has a sort of fuck pad for the two of them) and it all seems to be the wife's fault because she's introduced as a bitch from the start. Who knows, but to me it kinda sound like she had a reason to be that way. Then, after (spoiler alert) Elizabeth's death, Herta finds out that the girl was still a virgin and suddenly all is forgiven when it comes to Enrico, and the two of them spend the rest of the movie solving the mystery together. Yes, it is a very small relief that he never actually did the teenager, but let's not forget the scene where the two of them were obviously doing some naked sexy things with each other. Every marriage is different, but some things should not be forgiven so easily, I think.

Ah, another awesome giallo experience! There are still plenty more where What Have You Done to Solange? comes from, and though I've enjoyed all my giallos thus far, this is definitely not one to forget. It has wonderful acting from all involved, and a compelling story that makes sure that you stick around for the end. I just hope I never see another knife in a vagina again. Seriously...

Franchise Review: Retro Puppet Master (1999)

 

Though I've had to take a bit of a break from the Puppet Master series, I sure haven't forgotten about it. We have now arrived to film number seven, which means that there are still three more sequels to go (I think I'm going to forgo covering the crossover films, at least for now). I was sort of excited for Retro Puppet Master because, as the title and synopsis told me, the plot was going back in time again to focus on Toulon and his beginnings as the Puppet Master. It's not completely satisfying, though.

Back in Cairo, a sorcerer is being chased by followers of Sutekh because he has stolen the secret of life, he dispels of the bad guys and escapes to Paris, while Sutekh raises three mummies to chase him. In 1902 Paris, a young Andre Toulon is doing puppet shows at a local theater, and a pretty girl named Elsa (his future wife) becomes interested in him. Elsa and Toulon save the sorcerer from two goons, and as he lays dying, he teaches Toulon the secret of life.

Damnit, not this Sutekh bitch again. I thought we were done with him. I don't like this guy, not sure why, but at least there are none of those stupid little spiny demons this time around. I do like Toulon, even though he's younger and has an annoying accent and is not Guy Rolfe. Anywho, the movie is set up like a frame story where the older Toulon is still in hiding from the Nazis and he comes upon a piece from one of his older puppets, and starts to reminisce to Blade and the others about his beginnings.

One problem with this is that the method for bringing about life is entirely different from how previous films established it. There's no glowing green liquid that is injected into the puppets, but more of a ritual with a simple incantation and poof! Living puppets. This all actually makes way more sense for the secret's ancient Egyptian origins, actually, so this didn't really bother me. What did bother was kind of how pointless this movie was. I mean, we pretty knew all this stuff already, right? And what little details we didn't know don't end up being all that interesting so there was no point. Seeing Elsa and Toulon being all cute together was nice, though.

The action doesn't really pick up until the 45-minute mark, when the mummies come after the sorcerer and end up killing all of Toulon's puppeteers. After that, the film is sort of like Puppet Master 3, where Toulon - using the souls of his dead puppeteer friends to animate the retro puppets - goes all revenge-y on the Sutekh mummies. Their first encounter with them is not at all that exciting, though a little amusing because of how lame it is. And when the mummies have been defeated, Sutekh just raises them again anyway. Bullshit! It's not until they kidnap Elsa that Toulon finally gets rid of them in another terribly disappointing fight sequence - on a train of all places, too!

Oh, and those mummies - holy shit, are they annoying. First of all, they don't actually look like mummies, for those of you that might have been excited about that. They are disguised as just some regular dudes with suits, hats, and glasses and their voices have a strange reverb thing going on. Also, for some stupid ass reason, they all have to repeat each other's lines of dialogue whenever possible.

As for the retro versions of the puppets... eh, I didn't really like them. Puppets that get the retro treatment are Blade, Pinhead, Six Shooter, and two new ones, Dr. Death and Cyclops. Retro Tunneler is given the name of Drill Sergeant which is, I'm sorry, a WAY better name than Tunneler. The designs on all of them were cool, and I liked the subtle differences that were made. The retro versions might even be better designed than the modern versions of the puppets - but things just aren't the same. These puppets have the souls of different people and you can tell that they have different personalities than the previous films.

All in all, I was somehow more bored than usual with this installment. It's good, but feels a bit unnecessary most of the time. I don't like Sutekh. I think the last few films have to do with the Nazi involvement and that sounds so much more interesting. Here's hoping (as usual)!

Movie Review: Dead Snow 2: Red vs. Dead (2014)

 

Oh my gosh gory goodness, you guys, I am not even done watching Dead Snow 2 yet and I am already so fucking in love with it, quite possibly even more than the first one. I knew this movie would deliver for me with the red stuff but not quite as high on the awesome scale as this. Okay, pee break is over, I gotta get back to the movie...

Oh, this is amazing. I never thought I would be able to use the "Nazi zombies in the snow" tag again. There's less snow this time around, but there's still the Nazi zombies and they are awesome. Dead Snow 2 picks up exactly where the first film left off. Martin thinks he's escaped the Nazi zombies after giving them the last piece of gold, but apparently this wasn't the army's only mission. Now Martin has recruited the Zombie Squad from America to help him stop Colonel Herzog and his army of dead soldiers.

I was a bit confused when I started the movie and heard English instead of Norwegian. Thinking I had something on the wrong setting, I went into the setup to change the audio, only to find out that there wasn't anything wrong. Apparently, scenes for the film were shot in both Norwegian and English. Though I'm never bothered by subtitles (and in fact use them for pretty much everything I watch) this is a cool option to have. I just wish I had been able to see the Norwegian version first because I like hearing the language.

But of course it wasn't the language I was really looking forward to in Dead Snow 2. The sequel is in the same vein as the first film in that it is an outrageous zom-com that more than delivers in both genres. These kinds of movies always seem to come to me at just the right times, when I really need something good and gory to rediscover my love for these types of movies. I love the way the movie came up with some new stuff for the zombie genre. After being bitten by the zombies in the first film, Martin cuts his own arm off with a chain saw. In the ensuing car chase during Martin's escape, the zombie Herzog loses his arm as well. But the doctors at the hospital and the Nazi zombie doctor switch the two arms and Martin ends up with Herzog's arm, Herzog with Martin's. In addition, Herzog as the leader is able to create new zombies under his control to make his army bigger, and Martin also gains this power when he gets Herzog's arm.

Did they really come up with a whole new genre, as the Zombie Squad leader suggests? Not really. As the character himself says, the idea of a master controlling the zombies he creates is more along the lines of the voodoo version of a zombie, so this is not exactly that original. But this plot point brings about a great turn of events in the story when Martin uses his power to resurrect a buried Russian army to fight the Nazi zombies. I don't think I've ever seen a full-on zombie vs. zombie fight before, has this been done before? Who cares, it was bitchin'.

With Dead Snow 2, the gore and the gags go hand-in-hand in some of the craziest ways possible. I found myself laughing out loud many times at the over-the-top gore, sometimes out of shock of what I was seeing. The wonderful and the horrible thing about the carnage in Dead Snow 2 is that nobody is safe from the zombies. There are many on-screen deaths of not just random innocent people, but several children as well. Babies! Babies are blown up in this movie! In a scene at the hospital, Martin's zombie arm throws a 12-year-old boy out the window and then crushes his chest while trying to resuscitate him. And goshdarnit, it was funny! They got away with it! There are so many amazing gore gags in Dead Snow 2 that I'd be hard-pressed to remember them all - intestine-pulling, head-exploding, random bludgeoning with various instruments... I was almost on gore overload and I loved it.

I'm not sold on the ending, though it was strangely cute and nice. It slogged down the great tone the movie had set up for itself in the beginning. But one bad ending doesn't disparage the rest of a movie. Dead Snow 2: Red vs. Dead is a delightfully gory picture that I have been waiting five years to see. It's always awesome when a sequel more than lives up to the expectations from the original, and this couldn't be more true for this film.