Monday, October 3, 2011

My Love Letter to Wrong Turn (2003)

Dearest, dearest Wrong Turn,

This letter is long overdue, Wrong Turn. I've held such a torch for you ever since I saw you all those long years ago... Okay, it's only been eight years since you released your awesomeness on the world, but that's still a long time. And after all these years, after all the times I've watched you, I still love everything about you and what you have brought to the horror genre.

See, here's the thing about you that I don't think the haters get. You are exactly what a true horror movie should be and you smartly stay away from those things that usually detract from the main point of the film, which is HORROR. You are just straight-up gore and violence the whole way through. You have fantastic actors, no sex, and no attempts at lame comedy at any point in your movie and those are just a few of the reasons I love you so much.

Let's talk about that lack of sex, which I really admire. You don't have any boobs in the movie, which as a woman makes me very happy because I have my own boobs to look at and therefore it doesn't really do anything for me to see them in movies. Consequently, you also don't have any sex scenes which puts you in a class above all the other hot-young-people-go-into-the-woods-and-get-killed movies. Sure there is an implied oral copulation scene between Evan and Francine but you cut that off before anything is shown, so thank you for that. Let's focus on the horror, not the tits - that's always been my motto.

You take yourself seriously in a way that your sequels did not, even though mutant cannibal hillbillies is a subject that is easy to make light of. Despite a funny reference to Deliverance in one scene, you stray from cheesy one-liners and keep the situation serious and terrifying, like it should be.

And though this is mostly a trivial reason for adoring you, Wrong Turn, I can't ignore the fact that you star two amazingly hot people in your lead roles. I'm talking of course about the sexy bad boy-looking dude known as Mr. Desmond Harrington, and the girl to whom I freely admit to having a mad girl-crush on, Ms. Eliza Dushku. I fell in love with Eliza on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and it was you who introduced me to Desmond the first time. Sadly, I've not seen his handsome ass in many other films since then, so I thank you for immortalizing those wicked good looks in at least one fantastic movie.

And your gore... oh, your gore. First of all, the Stan Winston effects on the mutants are amazing and they look so real for being so fake, you know? It's explained to the audience at the beginning of the film, through pictures and newspapers, that these guys are the result of inbreeding with all that genetic mutation shit. So then we get guys with bulbous flesh, hunchbacks, really bad teeth, and just all kinds of nasty shit going on. I love it.

Secondly, you've got some great kills, you know you do! The blood and guts are fantastic and though there is nothing really inventive about the style or way people are killed, it is still done in an amazingly beautiful and effective way. Let's see... you've got some barbed-wire-chain mouth-gashing,  an arrow straight through the eye, some arrows through the chest, and various hack-n-slashing. Probably the best one is when beautiful Emmanuelle Chriqui is running from the mutants high up in a tree and gets an axe to the mouth, severing the top of her head from her body - which then falls gracefully to the ground in a very cool overhead camera shot. Oh, it gives me shudders just thinking about it.

I have a small nitpick, Wrong Turn... something that never fails to make me laugh-slash-get-slightly-annoyed. Chris Flynn (Harrington) seems to cause a lot of the problems in the movie, the main being wrecking his car and Eliza's friend's car. He looks away from the road for a second and WHAMMO! But what gets me about this scene is that he looks away from the road to get a better look at a dead deer on the side of the road. I mean, who does that? You see a dead animal and you go, "Ew. Dead possum," and you move on. You don't adjust the rearview mirror and freaking crash your car and somebody else's because of a dead deer. Just sayin'.

Wrong Turn, your sequels and imitators (even though you are kind of an imitator yourself - don't deny it) just do not do you justice. I truly believe that you are one of the best horror films of the past decade and I love you so much. You are a bloody good time from start to finish, and that is why you are one of my favorites.


P.S. I seriously want to %#&* Eliza Dushku. Like, not even kidding.


  1. I love your Love Letters, they make me smile. I agree, Eliza Dushku is smokin' hot.

  2. Liked the first and second WRONG TURN flix a lot! Haven't gotten around to the third. And now a fourth one is on the way?! Jeez.

    I totally ripped off this picture of Miss Eliza from your post for, uh, Uncle Astro's "personal collection", btw. ;) Cheers!!

  3. Oh yes oh yes, I love 'Wrong Turn'.

    Aha, it's funny you should say how Flynn fucks things up all the time; if you listen to the commentary track (I have seen the DVD that many times) Harrington more or less says "my character is useless in this movie."

    It makes me extra happy that he's in 'Dexter' now; long live The Harrington (subject of my own man-crush I think).

  4. I loved Wrong Turn--up to a certain point but I agree with you, it is the best out of the whole series! Plus Eliza is a sexy lady!

  5. @Jenny: Thanks, horror sister! There are more love letters to come - that's what I'm doing all this week!

    @J: NO! The second one is BAD! Not disrespecting though... The third one is okay but none of them live up to the original

    @Joel: Ah, I'm so glad you love this too! I do remember The Dez saying something like that on the commentary - which I love listening to because his voice is dead sexy - so I'll have to play that again soon.

    I didn't get so into Dexter, but maybe I'll check it out if he's on it!

    @Real Queen: It's no doubt the best, glad you love it too!

  6. I agree. It's refreshing to see a horror movie that doesn't resort to TnA to sell their film. As for the gore one scene did squick me out so bad I had to fast forward to the next scene. A rarity for me.

  7. I concur, horror should come first. Sex and even gore oughta come after, if they are necessary at all

    Foremost, a true horror film should show you that which you are least prepared to see.

  8. Yep on all accounts. Have you watched Dollhouse? It's like the porniest non-porn thing in existence. I got like 3 minutes into the Pilot episode and I felt guilty.

  9. @LadyJ and Mantan: Glad you both agree on the t-and-a aspect!

    @The Mike: I've seen a few episodes of Dollhouse and I can't really get into it. But I understand what you mean about the sexuality, definitely! The way the dolls talk and act and the way other people talk to him, it's just so sexual all the time.