Movie Review: The Wizard of Gore (1970)

Michele, meet Herschell Gordon Lewis. Hersch, meet Michele. I think we'll be seeing each other again very soon. However, if you were planning to shock or unsettle me with The Wizard of Gore, you kinda failed a little bit, dude. I had an absolute  ball watching this movie, because while eyeball-squishing and other things of that nature in a movie would usually make me squirm and freak me out, this one had me laughing my ass off at pretty much every scene.

Montag the Magnificent is a great magician who is able to saw girls in half and shove swords down their throats and never harm them in the least. That is, until the volunteers leave the theater and suddenly drop dead in the same method as the trick they were involved in. A local television host and her boyfriend catch on to what is happening after Montag's shows and try to put a stop to it all.

As is so often with the case with low-budget horror movies, The Wizard of Gore is one where you really can't spend all your time watching it nitpicking about how shitty it is. Because it is shitty. I'm just going to be honest: The Wizard of Gore is in many ways technically a really bad movie. But I'm well used to that kind of thing by now so I didn't care and I just went with it. So glad I did, too, because it made it so easy to enjoy the hell out of this thing.

So it's a little confusing trying to figure out what is going on with Montag's tricks at the beginning. The first trick he does is sawing a woman in half with a chain saw. There's no box or anything over her, he just saws right through her stomach. The weird thing is when how the scene keeps cutting from her being all bloody with her guts hanging out to her being perfectly fine. Once I realized, though, that the audience was not completely freaking out like they should have been at seeing Montag play around with her intestines, I figured out that what they were seeing was the bloodless version of the act. Montag hypnotizes the volunteers and the rest of the audience so that don't see what he's actually doing up there. I guess the bloody version that we get to see is just Montag having his fun.

The only big thing that there really is to talk about with this movie is the gore. Don't get your hopes up too much about the acting because you will be very, very disappointed in that regard. The only real passable actor that I found here was the woman playing Sherry, and the worst out of the whole bunch was her boyfriend Jack, who has more than a few moments of downright douchebaggery with his horrible line deliveries. But I digress. The name of the game here is of course gore, as the title tells us, and with all the things I'd been hearing about Lewis's famous gore over the years, I was excited to see what he had to offer me.

Like I said before, though the gore and violence is very over-the-top and bloody and has eyeballs being squished and brains pulled out of heads, it's all really hilarious shit. Should I have been disturbed by some of the stuff I was seeing? Probably. But when you watch somebody stick their fingers into the eye sockets of something that is VERY obviously a doll head, how can you take that even remotely seriously? The only really well done effect I saw out of the whole movie was the girl who was impaled in the stomach by the punch press. Lots of bright red blood and slimy guts were there for sure, but the way she was squirming around with the thing in her stomach was actually pretty awesome. 

The funniest part is probably when Montag is about to perform his biggest trick to date on Sherry's daytime TV show. He's going to light them all on fire and apparently nobody has any problem with either him doing that or doing it in the middle of a TV studio. Anyway. Montag's also hypnotized everybody in the studio and everybody watching at home, but Jack manages to avoid this and goes to the studio to rescue his girlfriend. Montag ends up in the fire himself and we get to see his head get burnt to a crisp. Everybody standing around, again, doesn't seem to have any problem with this. "His power must have died with him. Hm." There is a freaking corpse burning in a fire. Must just be the same old shit with these people or something.

The ending also had me laughing at the silliness of it all but I still didn't care by then. Sherry was also an "illusionist" of some kind and now she's fucking with Montag? Sure! I'm with you. The Wizard of Gore is without a doubt a fun splatter movie that is kind of exploitation, minus the boobs. The gore makes for some excellent gags that are probably not supposed to be as funny as I found them, but that's just how I am sometimes. The acting and directing quality is... below par, to be nice, however it's something that is easy to overlook when you're dealing with all the other ridiculousness. 

Movie Review: Crawl (2011)

Well holy guacamole, where did this little movie come from? Australia, yes, but also from some mad genius after my own heart, because this movie kicked all kinds of ass. It was a random Netflix watch for me because the poster (not the one up there, though) made it look like some cheesy B-movie that I could waste time on, but it only took me about five minutes to realize that that was not going to be the situation here.

So what happens? Well, a bar owner hires a hit man to murder a business associate, and an innocent waitress gets caught in the middle when the hit man shows up at her house on the way out of town.

The biggest complaint I've read about this movie is that it is "slow." While that adjective might accurately describe other movies, I don't think it's the right one for Crawl. Crawl is more "methodical," I would say, and only "slow" if it fails to hook you in right away. Anybody with any kind of movie savvy will pick up on the influence of the Coen Brothers and Hitchcock with this methodical style. Not a rip-off of their style, mind you - the influence. It's easy to say that the filmmakers just ripped off Psycho and Blood Simple, but I say that if it worked there, it's gotta work here. And boy, does it ever. Each frame and scene is painstakingly laid out with real directorial skill, and the suspense scenes will have you on that cliched edge of your seat.

The music, and sometimes lack of music, is extremely helpful in conveying that suspense. At times it is only a few carefully repeated notes, and at times it is a jarring cacophony like the screeching violins from Psycho. Mostly, though, I'd say that silence serves the movie best for key scenes. As the waitress Marilyn investigates a creaking door in her house, the lack of music gives the audience no cues as to what to expect - a real scare or a fake out? Will the bad guy show up on the other end of the banging door or somewhere else? The way the movie revealed all of its surprises was something that I really enjoyed watching.

The movie's less than exciting pace is made up for by some scenes of real brutality. The murder at the beginning is of course only the beginning, as the situation gets exponentially worse. Crawl turns out to be quite a bloody piece by the end - there's a car crash, a bludgeoning, and most deliciously, an axe put to awesome use. The makeup work is realistic and gory, but nothing over-exaggerated just for the sake of being gory. Not that I ever have a problem with that - it just wouldn't have worked for this movie.

The hit man, or "The Stranger" as he is credited, is one of the best and oddest casting choices I've ever seen. He's an old Croatian, tall and skinny, dressed like a cowboy. He's the guy you'd probably see drinking coffee by himself at a diner or something. While we're talking Coen Brothers, I guess I'd be remiss not to compare him to Javier Bardem from No Country for Old Men. The Stranger is the same expressionless, emotionless killer as Bardem (minus the cool nail gun thing, of course), and his grandfatherly appearance is almost an excellent cover for what turns out to be a wholly unpredictable and calculating demeanor.

Georgina Haig as Marilyn (whose full name we find out from the credits is Marilyn Burns... hahaha) is also perfect casting for this role. Her big doe eyes fill the screen, her innocence in this crazy situation heightened by her good-girl blonde hair and cute little dress. She isn't given much by way of character development but that didn't bother me too much here, because this felt more to me like a situational movie rather than a character-driven one.

Crawl is a movie deserving of every word of praise on its poster up there. It is a very successful slow-burn thriller that will hopefully have most movie fans salivating over the awesome that oozes out of it. Definitely keep your eyes out for this one.

Movie Review: The Bay (2012)

With my Sons of Anarchy obsession temporarily satiated, I guess it's time for me to get back to my real job here. I have a backlog of watched movies that need reviews, a host of books that need to be read and reviewed, and of course the ever-growing Netflix queue that needs to be worked through. Good thing I've got vacation time coming up. I also had an almost-catastrophe with my computer a couple of days ago, but everything seems to be fine now. So let's get this shit going!

First up in my series of possibly shorter-than-usual reviews is the 2012 found footage movie The Bay. Ah yes, more found footage. I should maybe be sick of this little subgenre by now, but... nope! Still love it. And The Bay is happily a nice addition to all the other awesome movies like it.

A news reporter who was present at an ecological disaster outbreak in Claridge, Maryland on the Chesapeake Bay narrates the chaos as it unfolded on that fateful day, using all the professional and personal video footage that was confiscated by the government to cover up what happened.

The Bay offers horror fans a few welcome differences from what we are used to seeing in FF movies. The reporter, Donna Thompson, is Skyping with someone who is interviewing her about the 4th of July from hell in Chesapeake Bay for a documentary about the truth of the events. Donna is sort of the main character, but her narration also shows us the experiences of several other residents. It's nice to have more than one or two of the same cameramen to follow through the whole movie, as The Bay includes security footage, video phone footage, personal camcorders, police dashcam footage, and Skype conversations.

All these new shifts in point of view keep the story interesting and engaging, and the suspense heightened. The way they are all cut together lets the audience slowly get the truth, as everybody involved seems to have a little piece of the puzzle as to what is going on. The two scientists that are doing research on the water and the fish a few weeks before the 4th and the doctor at the local hospital talking to the CDC having probably the most interesting stories. The stuff with the police was a little random and not really related to the main story, though. And I really liked the choice of casting for all involved. Kristin Connolly was the only recognizable face to me (The Cabin in the Woods, FTW) but everybody looked just like they were supposed to - normal people in this quaint little seaside town. I love it when movies are cast like that.

The other difference with The Bay is that it is an infection story. It's not an infection that leads to zombiism, either, it's a true infection by a mutated parasite caused by all the (literal) shit that's been building up in the bay. The terror and fear from an outbreak like this is just as real for both the characters and the audience as it would be for zombies or a masked killer. This kind of story also gets us into the realm of body horror, which personally freaks me and grosses me out. There's plenty of nasty stuff for all to enjoy like bodies covered in disgusting boils, and those gross little bug-parasite things coming out of people's necks. I love it and I hate it at the same time.

My only real complaint is that the makeup on the people who had the nasty boils did not look all that realistic to me. They were too obviously makeup and looked kind of dried out to me when I thought boils and blisters were more... I don't know, liquidy.

Do I care about the film's not-so-subliminal message about humans fucking up the environment and stuff? Not really, but it's definitely there. The whole disaster is caused by a chicken farm dumping chicken poop into the water, the local officials covering up/ignoring early warning signs of impending doom, and bad water tests at a desalination plant. Poop and toxicity apparently make these little parasites, or isopods, grow rapidly inside the body and then they just eat their way out. I guess it's a good way to send the message about how it might be a bad idea to drink water that people dumped chicken poop into.

The Bay gets a solid thumbs up from this found footage lover. It's an interesting turn for director Barry Levinson, and gives me another reason to really fear nature. As if I needed that.

Trailer for Unearthed and Untold: The Path to Pet Sematary!

Argh, each new little piece of information I read about this Pet Sematary documentary just gets me more and more excited to see it! Now the filmmakers have released a trailer for Unearthed and Untold: The Path to Pet Sematary, which has been years in the making as they have done extensive research and interviews with I think just about everybody that was even remotely connected to the movie! That's love, friends, and you all should know that I have mad love for Pet Sematary. Getting to meet Denise Crosby and Mary Lambert at the convention a few months only solidified that love, and now I can't wait to see this doc and add it to my collection.

Here's a link to the Facebook page for the doc: https://www.facebook.com/UnearthedandUntold

And here's the amazing trailer! Get excited, horror peeps.

Movie Review: Orca: The Killer Whale (1977)

So while I was watching Orca the other day, I hadn't really planned on writing a review for it. However, I simply cannot let this movie go. Orca: The Killer Whale is... my goodness, this thing is an atrocity. This is not the way to respond to a blockbuster like Jaws, this is a way to make everyone whoever sees this movie take vengeance on those that made it for so hurting their psyches with this rubbish. Alright let's get into it and get this over with.

Captain Nolan is trying to catch a great white shark to sell to an aquarium. But when he witnesses an orca, or killer whale, attack a shark, he decides that capturing one of them will be more profitable. He gets himself in deep trouble with the animal, however, when he kills its mate and unborn baby, the orca vows vengeance.

No, seriously. I swear to goodness that that is what the movie is about. How ridiculous is that? I thought Jaws: The Revenge was bad enough with its similar storyline, but holy hell, Orca: The Killer Whale just goes so far beyond ridiculous. Perhaps I'm mad at the movie because of my love for Free Willy because, honestly, who doesn't love that 90s feel-good movie? I was 26 years old when I got all giddy after finding the Free Willy DVD pack at Wal-mart. It's one of my favorites, not gonna lie. So now here comes this piece of shit that turns these beautiful and intelligent creatures in vengeance-filled assholes. That's not cool.

You all should know I love me a good animals-run-amok piece but I definitely did not love Orca. I don't even feel the need to remark on the acting, or the fake orcas vs. the real orcas, or anything other than how stupidly the orcas are portrayed in this movie, and what the filmmakers want us to believe they are capable of. First of all, the orca is able to pick out Nolan on the deck of the ship as the one responsible for the death of his mate and baby - not any of the other guys. Just Nolan. He sorta gets imprinted in the orca's brain and from then on the whale always knows where he is and has this whole elaborate plan to get his revenge.

Thus begins Father Orca's scheme to ruin Nolan's life. His continual presence makes the other fishermen pissed at Nolan because the orca is scaring all the fish in the area away. The orca attacks all the fishermen's boats in the harbor (except Nolan's because, as they theorize, the orca wants to fight him on the water... okay, sure...). The orca starts an explosion. The orca knocks out the support beams on Nolan's rental house, making it fall into the water. The orca bites off Bo Derek's leg. The orca eats another of Nolan's crew members. Now, I knew orcas were smart but this one must be the smartest goshdarn whale in the water. It boggles the mind, yes?

There was one thing I actually loved during all these orca-on-a-rampage escapades. Like I said before, this beyond brilliant whale is actually able to execute a very effective explosion. Amazing, right? He leaps out of the water to precisely bust the gas lines which leads to a huge explosion on the island. The really awesome part is all the different shots of the orca sort of triumphantly leaping out of the water several times (in a composite shot) as the fire rages behind him. I couldn't help but imagine him saying something like, "Boo-ya!" every time he jumped. It was hilarious, trust me.

The absolute worst part of this movie (and trust me, there are many to choose from) is the god-awful ridiculous, and slightly traumatizing, scene where the female orca gives birth on the deck on the deck of the ship. This isn't a sweet, miracle of life birthing scene either - the mother is half dead, hanging upside down above the ship when the little pink fetus kind of poops out of her. It was another one of those times when I was so stunned at the stupidity that I wasn't sure whether I should laugh my ass off or throw something at the television.

But all that is only part of the crap this movie has to offer, my friends. The whole last third consists of the orca actually leading Nolan and his crew to their final battle ground of some polar ice caps or some shit. The orca tips an ice sheet that Nolan is standing on, sliding him into the water, then picks Nolan up with his tail and throws him against an iceberg, finally killing him. It's actually not all that bad of an ending - just how the movie ended up there is the stupid part. And as stupid as it all is and as much as I didn't like this movie, I must say that you all need to see Orca: The Killer Whale. You must see what I have seen to believe it.

Movie Review: Grave Encounters (2011)

Just call me The Girl Who Loves Ghosts. And found footage. I am a complete sucker for both and will watch a movie that merely mentions either one. But put the two of them together in a movie? Oh, hell, I don't have a chance. Thus we have Grave Encounters. I didn't know much about it before today except that it seems to be pretty popular with some audiences, pretty unpopular with other audiences, and it already has a sequel. And all I can say, should I be talking to anyone else who is as finicky about their ghost movies as I am, is that despite a well-known premise and a somewhat uninteresting beginning - stick with this movie. Hopefully, you won't be disappointed.

Lance Preston and his crew are filming a new episode of their reality ghost-hunting show called "Grave Encounters." They spend the night locked inside the abandoned and rumored haunted Collingwood Psychiatric Hospital, filming themselves as they explore the building and setting up other cameras around the hospital as well in order to capture some paranormal activity - and end up getting much more than they expected.

Like I said, this movie does not have a very promising beginning. As a found footage movie, they have to do something right off the bat that tells us that this is something that really happened and all this stuff you're going to see is stuff they found and edited together for us. Then they introduce the film crew with its foul-mouthed cameraman, fake medium, too-cool-for-you equipment guy, the token female, and the obnoxious host. He was the worst for me because I absolutely hate the real ghost-hunting shows, and the way this guy acted reminded me so much of the host of Ghost Adventures. What a tool. I couldn't have stood for that crap much longer.

But again, like I said, stick with the movie. Because just when I was ready to completely give up on it, they threw in the first twist which made me realize that this was going to be something different. After experiencing some mildly spooky phenomena, the team freaks out and decides to bash open the front door because the caretaker, who was supposed to let them out at six o'clock in the morning, is late. They get the front doors open only to reveal... another hallway. The building is apparently not only haunted, but also kinda possessed as it constantly changes and also doesn't seem to follow the rules of time (their clocks show 8:30 in the morning and it's still dark outside).

Though I can't at the moment put my finger on where I've seen this sort of thing before, I know it's been done in some way shape or form. Maybe I'm just thinking of Labyrinth. Anyway, I can't lie. I dug this plot twist mostly because it instantly saved the movie from what was becoming dangerously close to mediocrity. From then on, Grave Encounters continually surprised me with its fresh ideas pertaining to the creepy stuff - the food they brought spoils fast, the roof access stairwell that leads only to a solid wall, the patient wristbands that appear after the group wakes up, the hand coming through the door, the many hands and arms that come out of the ceiling and walls, and disappearing into a bathtub of blood. What can I say? I freaking love that shit and I'll love it 'til the day I die. And you have to admit that they actually did a pretty good job of taking one of the biggest horror cliche premises and turning it into something completely different and unexpected, and gave the audience something totally new to experience for the last half the movie.

The only problem is that I wish they had left the creepy stuff at the usual ghost manipulations. I wasn't too happy with the ghost-patients and their digitally-demonized faces. That's been done in other movies too and you know what? It wasn't scary then either... just kinda lame. I guess it's just my personal preference about what scares me the most - I never really need to actually see the ghost in full form or any kind of form; I only need to see what the ghost is able to do. The other bad thing about most of these found footage movies is that they are usually only good for the first run. Some are rewatchable simply because they kick ass, but ones like Grave Encounters, where half of the movie's effectiveness comes from the discovery of what's to come, don't do as well on subsequent viewings. I think I'd be skipping the entire first 45 minutes

Much like [REC], Grave Encounters ends with only a slight peek into what was really responsible for all the phenomena. I bought it. It's the easy explanation, but it works. And this episode of Grave Encounters comes to an end! I didn't have much faith once this movie began but it totally came through for itself by providing this lover of all things ghost with some really awesome ghost stuff to enjoy. If you also dig the found footage, I would recommend this one. It hasn't become my new favorite or anything, but it is sure better than some of the other found footage attempts out there.

Project Terrible: Zombie Apocalypse: Redemption (2011)

In the previous Project Terrible round that we did, Robert from Gaming Creatively made me watch this horribly bad zombie movie with the clever title of The Zombie Apocalypse. And because I hated it so much, naturally he thought that I would enjoy its sequel - Zombie Apocalypse: Redemption. I seriously hope nobody expects me to actually remember anything about the first movie when talking about this one. The memory of that movie was erased from my brain about five seconds after I finished watching it, thank goodness. Let's see how quickly I can forget about this one.

So there's some kind of plot here. I'm sure of it. There's some text at the beginning that gives us a rundown of what's happened in the ZA - pretty much what you would expect because you've seen it before in an umpteen number of other zombie movies. Blah, blah, barren wasteland, blah, blah, horde of the undead. Basically the movie deals with two groups of ZA survivors - the good people and the bad people. Moses (Fred Williamson) is head of the good people and Rome (some really, really bad actor) is head of the bad people, but there's this other guy Knox who used to be with the bad people but got kicked out and is now helping the good people. Or something like that.

This is the kind of movie where you can only put up with so much for so long. I was okay with it when at the beginning Knox, who is left alone in the desert, pees on his handkerchief and puts it on his head to keep cool. And then he does it again. I was okay with the movie when they said earlier that zombies outnumbered people 10,000 to 1 and yet they still managed to have two huge groups of survivors that live so close together. I was okay with all the cliche characters and the cheesy line delivery. However, I think I lost any kind of faith in the movie with a single line of dialogue. The main bad guy Rome says to his slutty little concubine chick, "When I want your opinion, I'll rape it out of you."

No joke. Those words actually came out of somebody's mouth. I seriously didn't know whether to burst out laughing or throw my TV out the window. I was dumbstruck. Struck dumb. Really stupid or really horrible? I don't know that I'll ever be sure.

All the actors in this movie have a problem. That problem is, well, ACTING. They just... they just can't do it, you know? Sure, the awesome Fred Williamson is in this but he isn't given that much to do, and believe me, he wasn't enough to even  remotely save this movie from stupidity. I guess he's the reason why Redemption seems to have this little cult following on the Internet, or maybe its the awesomely awful actor who plays Knox and goes by the kick ass name of Johnny Gel. Please, please tell me that is his real name. It would make me so happy.

I'll be honest - I'm not really doing that fair of a review. I watched the movie... okay, well, half-watched the movie about a week ago and I didn't even finish it. I haven't felt the need to go back to it and I'm pretty sure that I never will. A zombie apocalypse movie is just fine in my book but to get my attention and interest you have to do something seriously different. Wasn't getting that from this one. Sorry if that means copping out on my Project Terrible duties but there are some things that just aren't happening. I won't be sharing a romantic dinner on a bearskin rug with the man of my dreams any time soon, and I sure as hell will not be watching Zombie Apocalypse: Redemption again. So my experience with the movie will have to stand as is.

I have real respect for anyone who not only got through this whole movie but who also actually likes it. I've got dedication for the genre, fo' shizz y'all and don't forget it, but this little gal can't handle it all. This is certainly not the worst out there by far so, by all means, give this puppy a go if you want! I'm thinking it could use a little love.

Get a Load of This "Twixt"ed Stuff

Just today an interesting new website became live (or possibly alive... mwhaha) that is trying to show some of the most "twixt"ed images on the internet. Why do I keep saying "twixt" instead of "twist" you ask? Because this website www.twixtnightmares.com is supporting the DVD release of Francis Ford Coppola's movie TWIXT. And since I normally don't like doing this random promotional stuff unless it's something I personally support, I had to check out the trailer for this movie. 

Definitely looks interesting, right? I'll probably give it a go. The DVD and Blu-Ray will be released on July 23 and until then you can check out all the cool and creepy things people are posting on the twixtnightmares website!

If you want to contribute your own disturbing image, just hashtag #nightmare from your Twitter, Instagram, or Tumblr account to post and be a part of the site. I'd say if you like photography or other art in this genre, this would be a great place to show your stuff or get inspired to make your own. Since I have neither a Twitter, Instagram, or Tumblr account, I can't contribute, but I've been to the site a few times today and there is some pretty cool stuff there to look at! You all know I love that kind of creepy shit. Keep 'em coming, people!

Project Terrible: Alien Origin (2012)

Oh snap, horror fiends! You better believe I came back for some more terribly awesome movies in this latest round of Project Terrible. Along for the ride are my good buddies Alec from Mondo Bizarro, Robert from Gaming Creatively, and Maynard from Maynard Morrissey's Horror Movie Diary. This round I've got an interesting combination of movies that has aliens, zombies, and robots - and all those words in the titles, too! First up is Alien Origin, assigned to me by Alec.

Alien Origin is a found footage movie about a documentary crew (and by "crew" I mean one videographer and a chick that carries around a Flip camera) following a small group of the Belize Special Forces on one of their missions. We know that they are all going to die because the beginning of the movie tells us this, as they so often due with these FF movies. Anyway, when they go off to look for two missing archaeologists, they have to deal with a bunch of aliens that we never see.

This is one of those movies that kind of makes your brain hurt a little bit after watching it. The brain-hurting is not so much from the movie's suckiness, though, as it is from its complete and utter DULLNESS. Sure, there are some terrible things about Alien Origin but mostly the damn thing is just boring. Found footage can indeed be a very effective technique at upping suspense and fear - it just works a lot better if you have an interesting story to back it up.

I can't fault the movie too much for the actual FF filmmaking technique because they do it quite well for the most part. The framing is good and all that jazz, and it looks like every other FF movie out there. Granted, most of what we have watch is not that interesting to begin with. There are far too many big chunks of the movie that involve nothing more than following the group as they walk through the jungle. No dialogue, no suspense that anything is going to happen - just walking. The last 30 minutes is even worse as they try to add some action in there of the guys shooting at something that keeps launching grenades and shit at them, but to us it looks like they are shooting at nothing. So I was bored. Again.

Not only is the plot incredibly boring and uninteresting, the characters also bring absolutely nothing to the story. For one thing, there is no main character to follow. You think it's going to be the documentary host, Julia, but she ends up not only totally disappearing about 20 minutes until the end, but she also gets just as much screen time as anybody else. That's good for the actors, I guess, but not for the audience, as we have to follow a bunch of no-names that we don't care about. And we don't care about these guys because the actors do not give any of them any sort of personality or character traits. The guy who is supposed to be in charge of the group is hilarious because he has the most un-commanding and unimposing voice and mannerisms. Nobody would take orders from this dude. He stutters, and he uses these ridiculous quasi-military hand gestures that I'm pretty sure he made up as he went along.

Another thing that became a major problem for me is something a little strange, I guess - the title cards. They have the typical ones that show what day of the mission we are on and the time of day, but there are also these ones give little plot synopses and such. Now, I didn't think it was possible to screw up a title card, but seriously, these guys weren't even trying. They were all just white text on a black screen with horrible grammar. They were all left-justified on the screen instead of centered so that some entries
looked like somebody
was having
fun
with the
spacing
and some were completely missing punctuation and capitalization. That would have been, like, a two-second fix. I think y'all had time for that.

(Did you like what I did earlier there??)

Lastly, as for the alien action, there was fucking NONE. There's a dead alien skull and a little bit of an alien spaceship but I never saw the dang thing. Those guys could have been shooting at giant ferrets for all I know. Every time the alien supposedly showed up in the camera's sights, the video conveniently goes all wonky with interference so only a small glimpse is given. I seriously feel cheated. Was it just not in the budget or did they think it would make the movie more mysterious or something? Hate to break it to you, but... not so much. Oh, then they add this whole stupid thing at the end about one of the archaeologists explaining about how the alien (or giant ferret) actually shared 70% of our DNA, making them ancestors of the human race (and hence the title). Aliens are our ancestors. Sure. Why not.

Hopefully I didn't say anything that would make you even remotely curious about Alien Origin because it is so not worth the effort. Even if you enjoy found footage like I do, you won't find anything to enjoy with this borefest - especially if you actually want to see some damn aliens.

Movie Review: The Eye 2 (2004)

 

The Eye, a Chinese supernatural horror film from 2002, has always seemed like one of the most underrated of the Asian horror films - perhaps outshined by its similar counterparts like Ringu and Ju-On (and their American remakes). I have never forgotten The Eye and in particular its spectacular ending that makes it all the more memorable. Now I've finally watched the sequel and though it has a bit of a different feel than the original, it is still a highly enjoyable spooky flick - especially if you're me and love ghosts as much as I do.

Joey Cheng is a young woman who attempts suicide over another failed relationship. Soon after, she not only finds out that she is pregnant, but that she is also now able to see spirits all around her. Fearing that one of these spirits wishes to take over the life of her unborn child, Joey must find out who she is and how to to get rid of her before she gives birth.

My first reaction to The Eye 2 is simply "YES." Hell yes, even, because this is exactly what I want to out my ghost movies. This is the kind of supernatural activity I want to see, and this is the kind of story that I want to see play out. Also, The Eye 2 is not a true sequel to The Eye - a true sequel being one that continues the original story in some way. The only thing these two really have in common is the name and a chick who can see ghosts. She has "the eye," or something I guess. Not that I cared too much about that while watching the movie because I think The Eye 2 is certainly good enough to stand on its own.

Some of the ghostly phenomenon is stuff that we've seen many times before. The movie makes it work because it understands the concept of timing and suspense. Things like a door that opens and closes again on its own after Joey walks through it, a picture flying off the shelf, even simple jump moments like just a random ghost turning up unexpectedly when Joey turns around are all highly effective at getting the spooky mojo flowing. The image of when Joey first sees the ghosts, when she is on the brink of death at the beginning, and the final image of some ghosts in another room were the only things I didn't like so much because they had this stupid shaky, gray, digital effect thing to them that looked really hokey. Other than that though, all the ghosts appear as regular people, with only a little bit of "dead" makeup.

Asian horror is known for providing some very unsettling images that stay with the viewer for a long time. No-Jaw Woman from The Grudge still terrifies the fuck out of me. When these ghosts take over the bodies or lives of babies in this movie, it seems to happen right at the moment of birth, and we get an in-your-face representation of just what that looks like. Joey, some nurses, and a woman in labor get stuck in an elevator at the hospital and the woman must deliver right there. A ghost woman comes floating down from the ceiling, her body very stiff and straight, and she slowly heads towards... well, between the woman's legs. Too freaky. Other good ghost stuff includes the freak-ass ghost woman in the taxi cab and the two (not real) bodies that fall from the sky while Joey is at the bus stop. Really nice effects work on them as they just lay there, half their heads squished flat on the pavement, in a huge pool of blood, talking to Joey and freaking her out. I really wish I could have found a picture of that scene, because DAMN.

Toward the end of the movie, more of what the story is really about comes out and this is where The Eye 2 sold itself for me. Joey gets an endoscope procedure done and she can see her baby's face - which she recognizes as one of the ghosts she saw earlier in the film that jumped in front of a train. While researching her newfound ability, the belief in reincarnation comes up. You're thinking all along that all of these ghosts Joey sees have some sort of sinister intention with invading the lives of these babies but the ending shows us that that is not at all true. Despite them trying to fit in one last scary image before the credits, the ending is actually a very happy one. That might be a disappointment to some from a horror film but within the scope of this particular story, it totally works and is actually a nicer way to end this kind of film rather than just banishing the ghost or whatever. There's a real message and belief to this story, and if you believe what they are talking about, it makes you feel a lot better about the possibility of life after death.

I didn't have too much hope for The Eye 2 when I first started watching it because I'd never heard it mentioned anywhere else before, but it ended up really surprising me. The lead actress is wonderful and carries the film exceptionally well, the direction is perfect, and it scared me a couple times. Big win for me! Watch The Eye 2 for the good ghostly stuff, but definitely stay for the really nice ending.