Project Terrible: Zombie Apocalypse: Redemption (2011)

In the previous Project Terrible round that we did, Robert from Gaming Creatively made me watch this horribly bad zombie movie with the clever title of The Zombie Apocalypse. And because I hated it so much, naturally he thought that I would enjoy its sequel - Zombie Apocalypse: Redemption. I seriously hope nobody expects me to actually remember anything about the first movie when talking about this one. The memory of that movie was erased from my brain about five seconds after I finished watching it, thank goodness. Let's see how quickly I can forget about this one.

So there's some kind of plot here. I'm sure of it. There's some text at the beginning that gives us a rundown of what's happened in the ZA - pretty much what you would expect because you've seen it before in an umpteen number of other zombie movies. Blah, blah, barren wasteland, blah, blah, horde of the undead. Basically the movie deals with two groups of ZA survivors - the good people and the bad people. Moses (Fred Williamson) is head of the good people and Rome (some really, really bad actor) is head of the bad people, but there's this other guy Knox who used to be with the bad people but got kicked out and is now helping the good people. Or something like that.

This is the kind of movie where you can only put up with so much for so long. I was okay with it when at the beginning Knox, who is left alone in the desert, pees on his handkerchief and puts it on his head to keep cool. And then he does it again. I was okay with the movie when they said earlier that zombies outnumbered people 10,000 to 1 and yet they still managed to have two huge groups of survivors that live so close together. I was okay with all the cliche characters and the cheesy line delivery. However, I think I lost any kind of faith in the movie with a single line of dialogue. The main bad guy Rome says to his slutty little concubine chick, "When I want your opinion, I'll rape it out of you."

No joke. Those words actually came out of somebody's mouth. I seriously didn't know whether to burst out laughing or throw my TV out the window. I was dumbstruck. Struck dumb. Really stupid or really horrible? I don't know that I'll ever be sure.

All the actors in this movie have a problem. That problem is, well, ACTING. They just... they just can't do it, you know? Sure, the awesome Fred Williamson is in this but he isn't given that much to do, and believe me, he wasn't enough to even  remotely save this movie from stupidity. I guess he's the reason why Redemption seems to have this little cult following on the Internet, or maybe its the awesomely awful actor who plays Knox and goes by the kick ass name of Johnny Gel. Please, please tell me that is his real name. It would make me so happy.

I'll be honest - I'm not really doing that fair of a review. I watched the movie... okay, well, half-watched the movie about a week ago and I didn't even finish it. I haven't felt the need to go back to it and I'm pretty sure that I never will. A zombie apocalypse movie is just fine in my book but to get my attention and interest you have to do something seriously different. Wasn't getting that from this one. Sorry if that means copping out on my Project Terrible duties but there are some things that just aren't happening. I won't be sharing a romantic dinner on a bearskin rug with the man of my dreams any time soon, and I sure as hell will not be watching Zombie Apocalypse: Redemption again. So my experience with the movie will have to stand as is.

I have real respect for anyone who not only got through this whole movie but who also actually likes it. I've got dedication for the genre, fo' shizz y'all and don't forget it, but this little gal can't handle it all. This is certainly not the worst out there by far so, by all means, give this puppy a go if you want! I'm thinking it could use a little love.

Project Terrible: The Zombie Apocalypse (2008)

Oh, dear goodness, why? Why why why why WHY? Why does every idiot with ten dollars think that the fastest and easiest way to making a horror movie is with zombies? Seriously, look up a good majority of the shit independent horror movies out there and I'm thinking that most of them will be about zombies. Movies like this Project Terrible-appropriate poopfest - given to me by Robert over at Gaming Creatively - just get me all kinds of pissed off because they have turned the zombie into the horror movie monster whore. And I don't like it.

When the zombie apocalypse breaks out in Michigan, two college friends at a bar meet up with zombie killer Miller and goth girl Raven as they fight to find a safe place. Meanwhile, Miller's connection to the outbreak comes back to haunt him when he's hunted down by his former protege.

Gosh, I made that synopsis sound way more interesting than the movie actually is. The Zombie Apocalypse (terrible, terrible title BTW) is simply the same old recycled bullcrap from every other zombie movie that came before it. The characters are complete half-wits and completely uninteresting, unbelievable and unlikable. The zombies are plain old generic and stupid, and there is no real explanation for how they came to be, except that Miller's wife had something to do with creating them. Somehow. I don't really care.

The two college guys Tom and Mark are, aside from being not hot at all, the most pointless and boring characters ever created. Not that anyone in this movie has any kind of personality really. Raven (real name: Jennifer) is a cliched goth chick who in her first scene gets fired from the video store she works at. Of course she likes horror movies, and it makes us all look bad. Miller is the worst of the bunch - he's a Tom Savini-wannabe with his stupid long hair, beard, and black motorcycle jacket, wielding a machete. He also tries to pull off this really forced and fake sounding gravelly voice and speech pattern, trying to make himself sound harsher and tougher than he really is.

The gore work is almost not even worth talking about. A few of the zombies got some special makeup treatment, but otherwise they are all just shambling extras with dark eye makeup and a few drips of blood. The action and attack sequences are poorly choreographed, and even more poorly performed by the actors. The zombies are almost always killed out of frame with the exception of about five throughout the whole movie, so there's no money to be spent on effects work there. I must say that they are definitely better actors than any of the main cast because they don't have to speak or really do much of anything. Way more interesting to watch than Tom, Mark, Raven, or Miller. Sorry, but the truth hurts.

I thought at the beginning of the movie that the music was actually the best part of the whole thing, as some scenes have really nice scores to accompany them. Then later, as the action picks up, the music unfortunately gets worse. It goes all bad rock 'n' roll, bringing the tone of the movie straight on over to the campy and ridiculous side. Of course, it was already well on its way there anyway. The only humor at the beginning also was just from the bad acting, but then again, later they try to intentionally make the movie humorous. And that almost never works out well for movies like The Zombie Apocalypse. I can't even count the number of times I scoffed or rolled my eyes while watching this - every lame line, every stupid action, every contorted facial expression. Such a waste of celluloid.

And that's really about it. I have nothing else to say, positive or negative. The Zombie Apocalypse is a movie that no one, beyond a few curious Netflixers, will probably ever see and that is most definitely a good thing. I finished watching it less than two hours ago, then went back to watching Mad Men and have now completely forgotten it. So, until next Project Terrible, I'm done! Other rounds have been much worse - TRUST ME - so I'm feeling lucky with what I got this time. I realize that by saying that Alec especially will probably feel the need to really punish me next time... oh crap...





Loving Mad Men, by the way. Great show.