Project Terrible: 2012: Doomsday (2008)

 

This is it, folks, my last Project Terrible movie for this round of badness! I was actually inspired to choose Natural Disaster films for my picks from the other bloggers after watching Into the Storm recently and being massively disappointed. It was Twister kicked up ten notches, but with not as good a story or characters which is what really brought it down. But I thought for sure that there had to be tons of other movie about natural disasters that were way worse. This movie was assigned to me by the newest addition to our PT family, Christian who runs the blog A Life in 24 fps (cool title, by the way). Welcome to the fold, Christian!

My mind hit a blank wall trying to write my own synopsis for the movie, so I'm just going to steal the one written by Faith Films (SHIT, why didn't I pay more attention to that when I first watched it? I could've figured out much faster where the movie was going). Anyway, this is what the movie is about: On December 21, 2012 four strangers on a journey of faith are drawn to an ancient temple in the heart of Mexico. For the Mayans it is the last recorded day. For NASA scientists it is a cataclysmic polar shift. For the rest of us, it is Doomsday.

So I was a little excited for 2012: Doomsday at first because Dale Midkiff's name popped up in the opening credits. Midkiff, as some of you may know, was Louis Creed in one of the greatest movies ever, Pet Sematary, and I LOVE that dude and wish I could see him in a lot more stuff besides one random Lifetime movie years ago. He doesn't exactly help 2012: Doomsday all that much, but it's not his fault at all. Ami Dolenz, whom I really liked in Witchboard 2, goes a bit downhill here. Her performance is a touch forced and exaggerated, and not sympathetic enough. Under different circumstances, maybe this movie could have been good.

The main problem with Doomsday is that the movie does not give the story enough room to breathe. Every plot point comes along one right after the other - boom, boom, boom, boom. Character introductions are quick and barely scratch the surface of who these people are other than their relation to the immediate plot. How then are we supposed to believe or go along with the fact that all of these people are somehow drawn to this Chichen-Itza temple and go there for no reason? Of course, the whole mythos of the story is religious in nature, but all of our characters come from different backgrounds of belief. Sarah is a missionary working in Mexico, Susan is a stout non-believing EMT, Lloyd (Cliff De Young) is a scientist, etc. At one point, the religious shit gets really wacky and comes completely out of nowhere when Susan and Lloyd are helped in their journey to Chichen-Itza by guardian angels or some crap.

A couple other things are a bit annoying. All of our characters start off the film in different parts of the world, and we are informed of this by that overused, typewriter-style, location-identifying text on the bottom of the screen. Normally, a movie would just need to do this once or twice for the audience to remember where everyone is. Oh, but not Doomsday. Every single time the scene changes to a different character, that fucking text pops up. And with it there has to be a countdown to "Doomsday" even though there is not a palpable enough threat from the environment to make this seem all that important. Sure, there are earthquakes and a couple people get killed (one by a giant ball of hail that impales him in the chest through a car window - supposed to be heart-breaking but ends up being HILARIOUS) but nothing really that screams DOOMSDAY IS UPON US, you know?

2012: Doomsday is too much driven by plot and not character like it should be. Dialogue is weak and not performed to the best of these actors' abilities, who are basically just phoning in their performances for the paycheck. The small amount of special effects are rocky and not worth the wait if that's what you're looking for to keep you interested in the movie.

Natural Disasters might not be fun in real life, but they can sure be a hoot when they are the main focus of a bad b-movie. It's been fun, Project Terrible! See you next round!

Project Terrible: Meteor Apocalypse (2010)

 

I'm almost inclined to give Meteor Apocalypse a bad review just because the way the title and the cover lied to me. Look at that poster! Looks kind of awesome right? Not so much. Meteor Apocalypse is my first non-snow-related Project Terrible movie, and it was assigned to me Maynard of Maynard's Horror Movie Diary.

The movie opens with all the nuclear warheads in the world heading toward a giant meteor slowly approaching Earth. They blast the shit out of it, but somehow screw that up and now all these tiny meteors are going to crash into us instead. But that's not even the real problem - the meteor pieces fall into bodies of water and contaminate the water supply in the area, causing seizures and death. The movie follows a man on a journey from Las Vegas to Los Angeles in search of his wife and daughter who were taken during a quarantine.

So Meteor Apocalypse is honestly not that bad. It sure as hell was not what I was expecting it to be based on the title. "Meteor Apocalypse." You would think that the movie would be all action-heavy, full of big, falling space rocks causing all kinds of fire and explosions and shit, right? Well, you would only be partly right. Like 10% right. That's about as much action as you're going to find here, because they chose the "post-apocalyptic" feel for this story, making it a bit more subdued and serious. And boring. And disappointing. But still not really bad. It's a competent film with okay actors and characters, but the story is too mapped out and clichéd. You've seen all this before.

Our main character is David, who gets separated from his wife Kate and 12-year-old daughter Allison. Allison unfortunately ingested the contaminated water, so there's that plot point. David is also afraid of heights - also a plot point. Somewhere along the way in David avoiding the authorities and wandering around the desert, he comes upon this hot chick named Lynn who also drank the bad water. He saves her, and the two of them spend the rest of the movie getting into trouble together while looking for Kate and Allison. At the same time, some head honchos in Washington D.C. do... some stuff. I didn't really see the point of this whole side plot so that's all I'm going to say about that.

It's really kind of weird to me that someone would have a movie called Meteor Apocalypse, and then have the meteors not be the main threat in the film. Granted, the meteors are the thing that cause the sickness from the water that actually is the main threat in the film, but it's still unexpected and doesn't make for a very exciting night with the movies. I started to really sick of bottled water while watching this. Seeing as how our two mains spend a lot of the movie wandering in the desert on foot (how the fuck they know where they're going is anybody's guess), they always need clean water. They're always thirsty. Always looking for water. Oh, a water bottle! Happy day! There's even a scene where they get in the middle of firefight with two criminals and two FBI agents, right next to a box truck full of bottled water. It's fate! The universe wants them to succeed.

Which, of course, they do. You know the ending way before the movie gets us there. David will randomly run into his wife and daughter; his daughter will be almost dead (remember, she drank the bad water); but David will be able to use his last vial of the antidote (yeah, somewhere along the way he and Lynn find his friend who has the antidote and he takes two doses) and save her, and then right after that, the whole family will be rescued. And that's exactly what happens. Well, what I didn't really see coming was Lynn dying - SPOILER - but I think she kind of needed to die because she was starting to become a homewrecker.

Technically, "Meteor Apocalypse" is a totally appropriate title for this movie - because the meteors sort of start a mini-apocalypse... well maybe calling it an "apocalypse" already is jumping the gun but anyway - but it really does make you think that you are going to be watching a completely different movie than what you end up with. Yes, there are some bad effects shots of fiery meteor balls hurtling dangerously towards our characters (don't worry, they of course get out of the way JUST in time... usually) throughout the movie, but most of Meteor Apocalypse is character stuff. Which is a good thing! This is not a crappy Asylum movie with tongue firmly planted in cheek. It's well made and the characters are fine and the story works for the most part. So what's my last Natural Disaster movie? Another end of the world thing? Goody.

Project Terrible: 100 Below Zero (2013)

 

One of the characters in 100 Below Zero (I don't know how to get the degree symbol, I'm stupid and don't want to figure it out) has a line that he says twice over the course of the movie: "I don't engage in hyperbole." As the movie went on, I realized what a funny line this is, especially in a movie called 100 Below Zero that never once gets as exciting or exaggerated the title might imply. This is my second Project Terrible movie, and comes to me courtesy of Bob, who will be posting his reviews on Alec's site, Mondo Bizarro.

Brother and sister pair Ryan and Taryn are in Paris awaiting the arrival of their father, Steve, and his new girlfriend, Lacey, from England. Mother Nature makes that rendezvous a little difficult, though, when a series of earthquakes and volcanic eruptions around Europe causes a massive ash cloud to block out the sun. The temperatures drop and the snow starts falling, but the family doesn't give up on their task to be reunited.

So this is another Asylum movie. I feel bad having to preface a review with that statement again, but it is kinda needed. Actually, 100 Below Zero is not as bad as my previous PT film, Age of Ice. The biggest reason for this is that 100 Below Zero has a bit more tongue-in-cheek comedic moments, sometimes very subtle, that shows that the characters and actors know that they are in a ridiculous movie but don't seem to care and just go with it. And I appreciate that. The production value is still just like the same old Asylum, though slightly elevated this time around - they actually filmed in Paris! Also in Budapest, which is not Paris, but at least it's not some poorly reconstructed version of Paris on a soundstage in California.

The plot of 100 Below Zero is a lot less schizophrenic and makes a helluva lot more sense than Age of Ice did. They even add in a nice touch to the plot where this isn't just some freak occurrence that will go away soon - the new European ice age will only get worse over the next two years which is why our characters have to get out as soon as they can. There's even a time limit on them as Steve, an ex-Air Force pilot, gets in contact with one of his old war buddies who promises them a seat on a plane that is evacuating to Australia, and they have ten hours to get there. Our characters - mostly Ryan and Taryn - get into some pretty strange mishaps along the way. One of them is almost brained by soccer ball-sized hail; they are trapped in a collapsing building; one of them is electrocuted by elevator cables; someone pulls a gun on them; and they are mugged when some dudes take their bicycles.

The character dynamic in the movie is that Steve's wife, Taryn and Ryan's mother, has left him and Lacey is the new, younger model. Ryan's okay with it, but Taryn has reservations. Also, Steve and his military friend Dillard, have a deep history where Steve saved his life, but that history is kind of ruined when Dillard explains what happened. Something about how a plane they were flying ran into a flock of geese that got sucked in their engine - which is more hilarious than it is horrible. None of this character stuff really ends up affecting the plot at all, though, which was probably a good choice. It would have made the movie look like it was trying too hard to be serious, and that is definitely not the point of a movie like this. We are talking about a movie that at the end has an ice cyclone - WHATEVER THE FUCK THAT IS - destroy the Eiffel Tower and most of Paris. Oh! There's also a quick, almost throwaway part where a random character is introduced and then almost immediately killed by a large falling icicle. Huge laugh from that moment!

The really disappointing thing about 100 Below Zero is what I mentioned earlier, that the weather never gets as devastatingly bad as the title and DVD cover lead us to believe it will. The characters continuously say that things will definitely get worse and worse, which gives the plot some immediacy but at the same time distracts the viewer from the fact that all of this is just beginning and that it basically looks like a regular winter's day out there (the ice cyclone doesn't show up until the very end). Two of the female characters spend the movie running around in either a short sequined dressed or a skimpy t-shirt, so things can't really be that bad.

100 Below Zero isn't the greatest, but it is good brainless fun for an hour and a half, and that thankfully goes by pretty fast. Look for the only recognizable face in the cast - John Rhys-Davies a.k.a. Sallah from the Indiana Jones movies! Two more PT films to go now, and luckily no more with snow. I'm definitely over that plot device already.

Project Terrible: Age of Ice (2014)

 

Hello, my horror fiends, and welcome to another round of Project Terrible! This is the thing where a bunch of us bloggers get together and make each other watch and review terrible movies. This round is sorta special because we have new member joining us this time (Welcome, Christian!) and we're doing things a little different - each blogger chose a theme for what types of movies they wanted to receive this time. For instance, I chose films about Natural Disasters, because there's a good guarantee that there are a lot of bad ones out there. Alec from Mondo Bizarro gave me this gem called Age of Ice.

An American family is expecting to have an exciting (and hot) vacation visiting the pyramids of ancient Egypt. But Mother Nature has other plans in store for them when seismic activity somehow leads to a freak snowstorm with below freezing temperatures! Will the family make it to the extraction point before they freeze to death? Will this plot ever make sense???

So let me just say two words to begin my review: The Asylum. Many of you are probably now going, "Ohhhh, okay, I get what kind of movie this is now." And you're right. It's that kind of movie. It almost doesn't feel right to give this movie the Project Terrible review treatment because it's TOO FUCKING EASY. I seriously doubt Age of Ice was meant to be anything other than what it is, which is frustratingly bad. From the stilted acting and lack of real characters, to the implausible plot, to the fact that it never once looks at all like the characters are in Egypt... Age of Ice is a masterpiece, you guys.

I'm still trying to wrap my head around where all this snow in Egypt came from in the first place. They try to explain it a few times but it never really works, or I didn't care enough to really pay attention and comprehend it. Could be either one. There's even a great line from the character of the teenage daughter, Amber, where she says something like "Okay, so there's lava, and a cold front, and shifting plates..." and that's pretty much the whole explanation for the sudden winter storm in the desert. Oh, but it's only in certain circular areas around the Red Sea, and not at all near the beach where the characters end up at the conclusion, even though it only seems to be less than a mile away from where they previously were that was full of snow. Once again, it's The Asylum. Just go with it and don't hurt your head trying to make sense out of it. On the other hand, I'm not a weather person. This could all be totally plausible.

This is ANOTHER one of those movies where I have something to say about literally every scene. There's the increasing embarrassment of the actors as they pile on mismatched blankets, scarves, and clothing for warmth. The way the parents don't seem the least bit concerned when their young son falls off a moving train. The way the parents don't seem the least bit concerned when their young son falls hundreds of feet down the side of a pyramid. Yes, the son causes a lot of problems in the movie and is very annoying. So's the daughter. And the mom. And the dad. Everybody sucks. Back to the plot, though... There is just a ton of stuff to talk about. How does anybody know where the fuck they are or where they are going in this snow-covered landscape with no location markers? And don't tell me that it's because of the maps on their phone, because that is bullshit. What about that camel farm - yes, camel farm - that they stumble across? Or the random group of people that are nearby when their plane crashes? I'm actually quite amazed at this movie's writer and how he came up with all this stuff to fit into one movie.

Okay, I've got to move on from this. There are still three more movies to do and I know they are going to be just as bad as this one. Actually, a fun part about doing this review was Googling pictures for Age of Ice and coming up with all these adorable screenshots for Ice Age. Sort of softened the blow of the badness of watching the movie. Anyway, more Natural Disaster fun to come!