Project Terrible: 100 Below Zero (2013)

 

One of the characters in 100 Below Zero (I don't know how to get the degree symbol, I'm stupid and don't want to figure it out) has a line that he says twice over the course of the movie: "I don't engage in hyperbole." As the movie went on, I realized what a funny line this is, especially in a movie called 100 Below Zero that never once gets as exciting or exaggerated the title might imply. This is my second Project Terrible movie, and comes to me courtesy of Bob, who will be posting his reviews on Alec's site, Mondo Bizarro.

Brother and sister pair Ryan and Taryn are in Paris awaiting the arrival of their father, Steve, and his new girlfriend, Lacey, from England. Mother Nature makes that rendezvous a little difficult, though, when a series of earthquakes and volcanic eruptions around Europe causes a massive ash cloud to block out the sun. The temperatures drop and the snow starts falling, but the family doesn't give up on their task to be reunited.

So this is another Asylum movie. I feel bad having to preface a review with that statement again, but it is kinda needed. Actually, 100 Below Zero is not as bad as my previous PT film, Age of Ice. The biggest reason for this is that 100 Below Zero has a bit more tongue-in-cheek comedic moments, sometimes very subtle, that shows that the characters and actors know that they are in a ridiculous movie but don't seem to care and just go with it. And I appreciate that. The production value is still just like the same old Asylum, though slightly elevated this time around - they actually filmed in Paris! Also in Budapest, which is not Paris, but at least it's not some poorly reconstructed version of Paris on a soundstage in California.

The plot of 100 Below Zero is a lot less schizophrenic and makes a helluva lot more sense than Age of Ice did. They even add in a nice touch to the plot where this isn't just some freak occurrence that will go away soon - the new European ice age will only get worse over the next two years which is why our characters have to get out as soon as they can. There's even a time limit on them as Steve, an ex-Air Force pilot, gets in contact with one of his old war buddies who promises them a seat on a plane that is evacuating to Australia, and they have ten hours to get there. Our characters - mostly Ryan and Taryn - get into some pretty strange mishaps along the way. One of them is almost brained by soccer ball-sized hail; they are trapped in a collapsing building; one of them is electrocuted by elevator cables; someone pulls a gun on them; and they are mugged when some dudes take their bicycles.

The character dynamic in the movie is that Steve's wife, Taryn and Ryan's mother, has left him and Lacey is the new, younger model. Ryan's okay with it, but Taryn has reservations. Also, Steve and his military friend Dillard, have a deep history where Steve saved his life, but that history is kind of ruined when Dillard explains what happened. Something about how a plane they were flying ran into a flock of geese that got sucked in their engine - which is more hilarious than it is horrible. None of this character stuff really ends up affecting the plot at all, though, which was probably a good choice. It would have made the movie look like it was trying too hard to be serious, and that is definitely not the point of a movie like this. We are talking about a movie that at the end has an ice cyclone - WHATEVER THE FUCK THAT IS - destroy the Eiffel Tower and most of Paris. Oh! There's also a quick, almost throwaway part where a random character is introduced and then almost immediately killed by a large falling icicle. Huge laugh from that moment!

The really disappointing thing about 100 Below Zero is what I mentioned earlier, that the weather never gets as devastatingly bad as the title and DVD cover lead us to believe it will. The characters continuously say that things will definitely get worse and worse, which gives the plot some immediacy but at the same time distracts the viewer from the fact that all of this is just beginning and that it basically looks like a regular winter's day out there (the ice cyclone doesn't show up until the very end). Two of the female characters spend the movie running around in either a short sequined dressed or a skimpy t-shirt, so things can't really be that bad.

100 Below Zero isn't the greatest, but it is good brainless fun for an hour and a half, and that thankfully goes by pretty fast. Look for the only recognizable face in the cast - John Rhys-Davies a.k.a. Sallah from the Indiana Jones movies! Two more PT films to go now, and luckily no more with snow. I'm definitely over that plot device already.

Project Terrible: Age of Ice (2014)

 

Hello, my horror fiends, and welcome to another round of Project Terrible! This is the thing where a bunch of us bloggers get together and make each other watch and review terrible movies. This round is sorta special because we have new member joining us this time (Welcome, Christian!) and we're doing things a little different - each blogger chose a theme for what types of movies they wanted to receive this time. For instance, I chose films about Natural Disasters, because there's a good guarantee that there are a lot of bad ones out there. Alec from Mondo Bizarro gave me this gem called Age of Ice.

An American family is expecting to have an exciting (and hot) vacation visiting the pyramids of ancient Egypt. But Mother Nature has other plans in store for them when seismic activity somehow leads to a freak snowstorm with below freezing temperatures! Will the family make it to the extraction point before they freeze to death? Will this plot ever make sense???

So let me just say two words to begin my review: The Asylum. Many of you are probably now going, "Ohhhh, okay, I get what kind of movie this is now." And you're right. It's that kind of movie. It almost doesn't feel right to give this movie the Project Terrible review treatment because it's TOO FUCKING EASY. I seriously doubt Age of Ice was meant to be anything other than what it is, which is frustratingly bad. From the stilted acting and lack of real characters, to the implausible plot, to the fact that it never once looks at all like the characters are in Egypt... Age of Ice is a masterpiece, you guys.

I'm still trying to wrap my head around where all this snow in Egypt came from in the first place. They try to explain it a few times but it never really works, or I didn't care enough to really pay attention and comprehend it. Could be either one. There's even a great line from the character of the teenage daughter, Amber, where she says something like "Okay, so there's lava, and a cold front, and shifting plates..." and that's pretty much the whole explanation for the sudden winter storm in the desert. Oh, but it's only in certain circular areas around the Red Sea, and not at all near the beach where the characters end up at the conclusion, even though it only seems to be less than a mile away from where they previously were that was full of snow. Once again, it's The Asylum. Just go with it and don't hurt your head trying to make sense out of it. On the other hand, I'm not a weather person. This could all be totally plausible.

This is ANOTHER one of those movies where I have something to say about literally every scene. There's the increasing embarrassment of the actors as they pile on mismatched blankets, scarves, and clothing for warmth. The way the parents don't seem the least bit concerned when their young son falls off a moving train. The way the parents don't seem the least bit concerned when their young son falls hundreds of feet down the side of a pyramid. Yes, the son causes a lot of problems in the movie and is very annoying. So's the daughter. And the mom. And the dad. Everybody sucks. Back to the plot, though... There is just a ton of stuff to talk about. How does anybody know where the fuck they are or where they are going in this snow-covered landscape with no location markers? And don't tell me that it's because of the maps on their phone, because that is bullshit. What about that camel farm - yes, camel farm - that they stumble across? Or the random group of people that are nearby when their plane crashes? I'm actually quite amazed at this movie's writer and how he came up with all this stuff to fit into one movie.

Okay, I've got to move on from this. There are still three more movies to do and I know they are going to be just as bad as this one. Actually, a fun part about doing this review was Googling pictures for Age of Ice and coming up with all these adorable screenshots for Ice Age. Sort of softened the blow of the badness of watching the movie. Anyway, more Natural Disaster fun to come!