Movie Review: Creepy Crawlers (2000)

 

What a seriously surprisingly fun movie! I picked up Creepy Crawlers (aka They Nest), a TV movie from 2000, at my convention over two years ago because it was cheap and looked cool. But t's just been sitting on my shelf ever since then. I finally decided to pop it in tonight, and wish I had done so much sooner! I didn't know anything about the movie before, so I was, again, surprised to see in the opening credits that the movie was directed by Ellory Elkayem, whom you should all know and love from Eight Legged Freaks.

After having some problems at work because of his alcoholism caused by a divorce, Dr. Ben Cahill takes a forced vacation at his second home on a small island in Maine. He's not welcomed by some of the locals, especially when a few of them wind up mysteriously dead. It turns out that a massive hoard of rare cockroaches have taken over the island, made all the more deadly by the way they nest inside their hosts.

Creepy Crawlers is most definitely Elkayem's warm-up or practice film to do before Eight Legged Freaks was released two years later. The quirky, fun-spirited tone of Eight Legged Freaks is completely present in Creepy Crawlers, and it is heightened mostly by the acting and music. The situation still feels real and dangerous, and there are some really great gross-out and hilariously shocking moments here. The story moves fast, although it does go a little too fast at the end, when the climax comes too quickly and is not quite as satisfying as it should have been.

Thomas Calabro (of Melrose Place fame) as Cahill is more goofy than sincere in his role, but it works perfectly in the movie, especially when he's up against the resident, "all-outsiders-suck," islanders. Instead of acting all somber and depressed like you'd think a divorcee would, Cahill is actually refreshingly okay with his situation and just seems to be trying to make the best of it. He's quite charming and likable, as is Nell, the requisite unencumbered hot island girl with whom Cahill could have a chance. They don't push the issue too hard, though, which I really liked.

As a sidestory to the cockroach problem, there is also something going on with one particular man on the island, Jack Wald, who is angry with Cahill for buying his family home that was taken by the bank. He in turn has some friends that are behind him, and cause some extra shenanigans with Cahill, the sheriff, and Nell when they obviously have more pressing matters at hand. Instead of feeling out-of-place, though, this actually does add some extra conflict to the plot which otherwise might have been too easy to get out of - just get off the island.

The effects are pretty great! Like I said before, there are some good gross-out moments, like the cockroaches in the chicken, when Cahill gets a roach on his fork while having dinner with Nell. Of course there are some computer-animated roaches in there, but it's to be expected and it looks fine, especially when they have to have a whole hoard of them in the barn sequence or when they are crawling all over people. Possibly the most surprising moment comes when the roaches attack Sheriff Hobbs, in a pure "The fuck?!" scene. The effects of the roaches as they burrow inside people are okay, but I would have really like to see a scene where they full-on burst out of the host, like we assume we do based on all the dead animals bodies lying around, but maybe that would have been too much for TV. Also, look forward to a great cockroach vs. hamster chase sequence.

Creepy Crawlers (I think the official title is actually They Nest but Creepy Crawlers is the DVD I got) is a wonderful little animals run amok movie with a great personality. The climax has a great setup, but it needed just a bit more tension to make it really explosive and satisfying. Otherwise, really fun movie! I loved it!

My Love Letter to Eight Legged Freaks (2002)

Whuzzup, Eight Legged Freaks!

YES! I LOVE YOU, EIGHT LEGGED FREAKS! I love you so freaking much! I get so ecstatically happy when I think about you and your silly good fun. Giant spiders! Giant. Freaking. Spiders. And David Arquette. And self-aware humor that is actually funny. And giant spiders. I couldn't ask for anything more.

Your movie is a love letter in and of itself to the classic giant bug B-movies from the '50s - not as if you are making fun of them, of course, but you're honestly paying tribute and still having a great time in the process. I think your title more than anything proves this and your knowledge of just how silly you are and not giving a shit. Look at your poster, at the pose that Kari Wuhrer is giving - it's exaggerated and funny, but all in a good way, just like the rest of the movie.

Oh my gosh, okay, I'm so stoked to be talking to you and about you and your awesomeness. Like many people in the world, I don't consider spiders my particular favorite animal if you know what I mean, so I thought it would freak me out to see spiders bigger than people in this movie. But the way you presented the situation made it less scary (but still gross and freaky) and way more fun. I think even the biggest arachnophobe could watch you and still laugh their asses off.

Your story is a classic in itself. A multitude of spiders at Taft's Exotic Spider Farm in Prosperity, Arizona are exposed to toxic chemicals and soon grow to enormous size. A female sheriff, a smart kid, and a prodigal son become the ones who rally the townspeople into fighting the beasts, for their lives and for their town.

Okay, so the spiders are your biggest star, Eight Legged Freaks, and what I love most about them is all the different kinds that get represented. You got huge tarantulas, trapdoor spiders, jumpers, spitters, and Consuela, the biggest and baddest bitch of the bunch. What's also great about these spiders is the fact that they freaking talk throughout the movie! I've never heard a spider make any kind of noise before, but you've got them screaming and screeching and growling. It's hilarious.

One thing I like about you as well, is that a good deal of your story is about the people of Prosperity. The main focus for the first 40 minutes is on setting up all the characters of the people, the town's financial problems, and the budding love story between Sam the sheriff and Chris. It makes you more than just a giant bug movie - we love these people's personalities and they are not just fodder for the spiders, we want them to succeed. And though you could definitely be classified as horror, I think people love you more for just watching all the crazy antics of the giant spiders and not so much for the kills, which are actually quite tame. Probably why you got a PG-13 rating. All you PG-13 haters, remember Eight Legged Freaks! Sometimes the rating isn't such a downer after all.

I seriously don't have enough time here to talk about all of the wonderful individual scenes and gags that you have during the spider attacks. The murder of Zeke the cat, the cocooning of the guy in the barbershop, the tarantula attacking Harlan's trailer, all the little in-jokes and funny lines... These are all fantastic and ingenious ways to give not only the horror fans what they want out of a movie like you, but also give the comedy fans something to get a kick out of as well.

I love your music! At times slightly serious but mostly just campy and upbeat, your music no doubt helps keep the tone of the movie light-hearted and comedic. And, oh my goodness, I love that "Itsy Bitsy Spider" song that plays over the end credits so much that I have to play it all the way through every time I watch you.

Seeing as how giant spiders don't really exist (well, at least not as big as you present them), I'm totally down with all the CGI work done. It's not exactly seamless at some points, and the spiders do a lot of unnatural things - biting the moose head and then spitting it out, for one (HAHA) - but all that was completely welcome and a real joy to watch. I don't care if nothing you say or do here is scientifically accurate, that's not why I or anyone else watch you over and over again.

Really, Eight Legged Freaks, I have so much more to say about you and it could take all day. To me you are an instant B-movie classic and I don't think I'll ever get tired of you. Director Ellory Elkayem created something really special with you (BTW, the short film he made that inspired you, "Larger Than Life," is pretty awesome too. Fans should check that out) and he should be proud! You are a crazy good time, absolutely hilarious, and one of my personal favorites of all time. Stay cool, bro.

Your bestest best bud,
Michele


P.S. "Lose the face fuzz before you go. It makes your mouth look like a stripper's crotch." BEST. LINE. EVER.

Animals Run Amok!: The Top... Well, However Many I Want To List

Aside from my undying love of supernatural horror films, one thing you should know about my horror appetite is the insatiable need for Animals Run Amok. I don't care if it's mutated giant spiders, anacondas in the jungle, or lions in the African desert, nothing gets this little horror girl excited like Mother Nature sticking it to man. Therefore, I have compiled a short list of some of my personal favorites in the Animals Run Amok subgenre, most of which are horrible guilty pleasures (don't judge me). Not necessarily the best ones, mind you, just the ones that I really get a kick out of.

No numbers, because these movies are all so different that I couldn't put them in any particular order.

Deep Blue Sea (1999)

I love killer shark movies as much as the next person and I must say that Deep Blue Sea is my absolute favorite. Samuel L. Jackson, Thomas Jane, and genius sharks with chompy teeth make me happier than any other killer shark movie. Happy in my pants. It's a sin to prefer this over the almighty Jaws, but I really can't help myself. I was squealing like a little girl at the theater over this film and the excitement hasn't waned even after 762 viewings, give or take a few.

Kingdom of the Spiders (1977)

Arachnophobia still deserves a spot on this list, but all my willies about that film were increased a thousand percent when I saw Kingdom of the Spiders. I reviewed it recently but if you don't want to read it, let's just say that I was thoroughly traumatized by the sheer number of GD tarantulas that are crawling their butts all over people in that movie. William Shatner is the king but I was a little too freaked out to really enjoy him.

Anaconda (1997)

An improbable story and a wet-behind-the-ears J. Lo could not even ruin this absolute gem of giant man-eating snake movies. Just the words "South American jungle" are enough to scare the shit out of me, but add in a hunt for anacondas with one creepy-ass Jon Voight and you've got one of the best Animals Run Amok ever. Oh jeebus help me, I can't get enough. Everything about this movie including an unconscious Eric Stoltz is simply awesome. Not to mention a giant snake eating and then regurgitating a winking Jon Voight. I am in killer animal heaven. And the sequels are a fucking riot.

Lake Placid (1999)

Lake Placid is a hell of a lot of fun. Seems to be a theme amongst these movies, right? Giant/killer animal movies just need to be fun for me to fully enjoy them. Otherwise the whole concept of people being chewed up and eaten alive by crocodiles or snakes is too horrible to think about. Lake Placid is the very definition of fun. Great movie. Betty White as the defiant old lady who feeds the croc is damn genius. And I have some mad love for Oliver Platt. Seriously overlooked character actor right there.

Snakes on a Plane (2006)

The reason Sam Jackson wanted to make this movie was because of the title. The reason I wanted to see it was because of the title. Expectations can be bad. This movie is not. It's the most parodied movie I've seen, but in a completely lovable way. It's funny and it's got the gory animal attacks that I love without being campy. Okay, there might still be a little bit of camp, but it manages to take itself mildly serious - a huge feat in my book. Yea for angry poisonous snakes in unnatural colors!

Arachnophobia (1990)

Arachnophobia is a 90s retro-licous... well, I wouldn't call it a favorite but it was a movie that even though I hated spiders with a passion, I couldn't pass up watching this literally every time it was on TV. Tell me that seeing that fucking huge queen spider crawling up Jeff Daniels' leg didn't make you squirm in your seat. He had to use a nail gun to kill the GD thing - that's one bitch you don't fuck with.

Congo (1995)

Not a horror movie, you argue? Well, it's my blog. So get over it. On this continent we've got the most feared of all animals protecting our wildlife and parks - bears. But across the ocean, they've got an even bigger menace protecting their diamond mines - pissed off gorillas trained by man to kill. And not only do we have gorillas pounding the shit out of people's faces, this movie also contains one AWESOME hippopotamus attack on a convoy of inflatable rafts. Technically, I guess it's a bad movie but it's one of my biggest guilty pleasures. Bruce Campbell and Tim Curry definitely help the film, plus one of cinema's greatest lines - "STOP EATING MY SESAME CAKE!"

Primeval (2007)

Primeval might be a little too serious of a movie to be enjoyed as much as the others on this list, but I think it was really well done. The effects work on Gustave the crocodile were killer and I loved the action sequences. The real-life issues dealt with in the movie didn't bother me at all and I embraced the movie for what it did. Dominic Purcell is perhaps not the best actor and he is completely upstaged by the guy playing the videographer. So there's a bit of comic relief to make the movie more fun. Gustave could have eaten more people, though. I would have liked that better.

Eight Legged Freaks (2002)

Three spider movies on this list is perhaps a little excessive, but whatever. From lots of ugly little spiders to spiders mutated to enormous sizes by chemical-contaminated water. Eight Legged Freaks was a deliciously delightful throwback to the giant bug movies of the 50s. It was more an enjoyment of the genre rather than ridiculing it. It was an old-fashioned good time and FUN movie to watch, you can't deny it. I mean, the spiders talk throughout the whole movie, for crying out loud. If all that isn't a love for these kinds of movies, then I don't know what the hell is. Eight Legged Freaks was an instant favorite when I first saw it and I still love it.

Jurassic Park 1 and 3 (1993 and 2001)

What? This doesn't count either? Technically dinosaurs qualify as animals and they certainly run amok in this series of films. I can do without The Lost World, but was I the only one who totally fell in love with Jurassic Park 3? The spinosaurus kicking T-rex's ass and the pterodactyl scenes rocked my face off (I don't really know what that means). And of course the first one is a classic for bringing Sam Neill back into our lives. Raptors are the craftiest bastards that ever lived.

Black Sheep (2006)

Killer... sheep? Is, um, is this movie really about killer... SHEEP? Holy crap, it is. And you know what? That FUCKING RULES. That's all I have to say.

This list probably sounds a hell of a lot like other peoples's killer animal movie favorites, but I guess there's a reason for that. THEY ROCK. I know there's a lot of killer animal movies from the 70s and such and I haven't seen any of them. I'm working on that, I promise. Perhaps I can revise this list in the future.