Movie Review: Screamtime (1986)

 

So there are a lot more anthologies out there than I initially thought. I came across this random little British one from 1986 and decided that it couldn't hurt to give it a go. Predictably, it turned out much like most anthologies do, wherein it has definite hits and misses when it comes to the quality of the short films included.

The wraparound story is really nothing of interest - two jerks steal some videos from a rental store and then barge in on the apartment of their lady friend Marie to watch them. Guess they never thought to steal a VCR player to go with it.

"That's The Way To Do It"
If anything, That's The Way To Do It was the best one to start the anthology off with because it was the stupidest and most boring, and therefore you can think that maybe there is something better to look forward to. The story is about an older man, Jack Grimshaw, who is obsessed with his job as a Punch and Judy puppeteer. His wife wants him to give it up so they can take better jobs somewhere else, and his stepson Damien thinks he's a loser and is pissed at him for never showing him any attention. Whine, whine, whine. All the people in Jack's life give him shit in every scene about his puppets when I really don't see it as a big deal at all, but what do I know?

The biggest problem with this short is how unbelievably predictable it is. I may not have seen that exact conclusion coming, but when Jack's people start to die by way of a bit of wood like in the Punch and Judy routines, I never once thought that it was actually the puppet that was doing the killings, though they of course try to make it look like that is exactly what is happening. It's pretty obvious that it is actually Jack going all crazy like, murdering his wife and stepson, and also a poor doctor who gets in the way. It's kinda funny to watch a puppet just bludgeon the shit out of these people in the kill scenes, but other than that, That's The Way To Do It is way too lame for me to get behind.

"Dreamhouse"

Though not by any means perfect, Dreamhouse is the best short in the bunch here. A newlywed couple, Tony and Susan, have gotten a house from Tony's parents for a wedding gift but things keep going wrong in it. Bad electricity, bad plumbing, and the fact that it may be... haunted! Susan keeps seeing things that aren't there - probably helped in that regard by those god-awful huge glasses that she wears. Anyway, the characters aren't really that likable in Dreamhouse - Tony is a shit sometimes, and Susan is just plain annoying. The most interesting person is the clairvoyant that Susan brings in to look at their house because she is hilarious, one of those people with no filter between their head and their mouth.

Unlike the previous entry, I was not able to predict the ending to Dreamhouse, much to my dismay! It was good to be surprised with this ending because it was a really good one, and one that I appreciated very much as something different and unexpected. There is a bit more gore in this episode than the first but it is not that good, very quickly and cheaply done from the looks of it.

"Do You Believe in Fairies?"
Okay, so we have one lame short, one good short, and one just completely random and weird short. Do You Believe in Fairies? is about a young man named Gavin who needs money to fix his stupid dirt bike so he takes a job as a gardener/caretaker for two old biddies who tell him that fairies guard their yard. Gavin and his friends soon learn whether they are telling the truth or not when they decide to break into the house and rob the ladies. I give this one points for being slightly interesting and different but I'm just not behind the whole fairy/garden gnome angle they went with. Is that a big thing in the UK or something? Who talks about fairies anymore? There's also a crazy backstory with the old ladies' ancestor and her dead lovers buried in the yard...

If nothing else, this setup allows the short to go to some pretty hilarious places plot- and situation-wise. The garden gnomes that work for the fairies stalk one character until a hilarious scene where a little person dressed like a gnome jumps on his back and attacks him. Of course, the aforementioned dead lovers also make an appearance in a scene that is perhaps supposed to creepy or scary but is really just stupid. Gavin is murdered in a way that completely rips off Carrie, so I was none to happy about that and was really ready for this whole mess to be over with.

Finally, we come back to the wraparound story in the dumbest way possible where the three idiots are somehow magically disposed of in ways similar to the movies they were just watching. Eh, I can't fully recommend this one. Its poor quality doesn't help the lameness of the stories, and though Dreamhouse is the one shining star in the bunch, it's not enough to make it a must-see.

Movie Review: The Seasoning House (2012)

Some movies put you in a happy, feel-good mood. My personal favorite is Angels in the Outfield, but anyway. Some movies are sad. Some movies are pretty goddamn depressing, actually. I love Mystic River but I always have to talk myself out of committing suicide after sitting through that depressing mess. Now there has come a movie that pretty much makes me lose any faith I had left in humanity, if only for the time it took to watch it.

The Seasoning House takes place during the war in the Balkans in the 1990s. Young deaf mute Angel is one of many girls to have their family slaughtered and be abducted by the vicious militia commander Goran. He sells the girls into sex slavery at a rundown brothel operated by Viktor. Viktor takes a liking to Angel and chooses her to be the one to "prepare" the girls for clients - until one day when Goran and his men make a visit to the brothel and Angel decides to fight back.

To be honest my main motivation for watching The Seasoning House was seeing Sean Pertwee, even in an evil role. But my goodness, this movie fucking sucked. I mean, it's a really great, beautiful, brilliant movie - but the subject matter and the way it made me feel really sucked. The tone of the film is bitter and depressing throughout, with absolutely no relief ever from the horror that your eyes and mind are subjected to. However, it is still beautiful in its own way, and a masterful feat for first-time director Paul Hyett.

Rosie Day absolutely deserves all the praise she has gotten for her role as Angel, a role in which she doesn't speak a word and doesn't have to. All of Angel's character traits come through in Day's facial expression and physicality - how she is young and innocent, but still has her moments of defiance, resilience, and stubbornness. At times she makes Angel seem rather blasé about what she experiences at the brothel, which was often a bit confusing and/or frustrating. But seeing how Angel handles herself at the end, it seems more like her attitude was in part for her own mental survival, and in part her keeping tabs on all the bad shit these assholes do so that taking revenge on them is no problem for her (or for us as the audience). After being in the brothel for a bit, Angel has figured out how to move from room to room through the crawlspaces of the house, and some of the craziest shots of the movie show Day expertly slithering in and out of these tiny vents in the walls. Definite points for agility for that girl.

Sean Pertwee as the evil Goran is perhaps perfect casting because of Pertwee's look and voice, though I do hate to see him do stuff like this. He needs a romantic comedy role or something. It's actually quite strange that Goran turns out to be film's main villain because doesn't actually commit any of the atrocities that some of the other men do, like shooting innocent civilians or raping the girls in the brothel, but he is responsible for allowing and causing all this to happen in the first place. Just as bad. Actor Kevin Howarth gives Viktor a strange likable quality that makes it hard to judge his character at times and how he really feels about what he is doing. Another standout actor simply for his look is the bald-headed rapist that Angel kills. The guy looks over six feet tall and like his body was chiseled out of wood - and here he is against little bitty Angel, but you're almost more scared for him because you know this girl has had enough of seeing what happens to these girls in the brothel.

It was actually a small comfort to me that there is no female nudity in the film, but of course that doesn't make the rape scenes (of which there are thankfully only two) any easier to watch. In the first one, there is a guy who apparently pays Viktor more money to be rough with the girls, and he rapes Vanya (a girl that Angel befriends) so violently that he breaks her pelvis. I officially hate people after watching something like that. And then, just because the scene wasn't horrifying enough, here comes the doctor to check on Vanya, a kindly old man who gives her a creepy smile while telling her that she merely has some bruising and tearing "down there." I really do hate people.

Also tough to watch is a flashback scene near the beginning that shows how Angel came to be captured  after she witnessed her mother being shot to death by one of Goran's men. The militia callously shoots the family members of the young girls they are grabbing for Viktor's brothel. Almost everybody gets their comeuppance in the end, though, and particularly satisfying is what happens to Goran. There are a few twists at the end involving some other characters that are a bit too contrived, and the ending is ambiguous, so I'm still left feeling a little down about that.

You're not going to particularly enjoy watching The Seasoning House but you still should. The cinematography, though just as depressing looking as the tone of the movie, is beautiful in practically every scene with some nice slow motion work to emphasize the moody feeling. The movie really shows the talents of Day and Hyett, and I expect great things from both of them in future projects.

Movie Review: Doghouse (2009)

Okay, somehow my review of Doghouse got "reverted to draft" so I have to publish it again... Scroll down for the movie review I meant to post this morning - V/H/S 2!

Hmm, what to think of Doghouse? Some of me likes the movie for what it does right, but the rest of me is still having a problem with the things it gets wrong. Feminists and others of similar beliefs will probably have a problem with the movie, too, because the overall theme of the movie is kind of anti-woman, mostly in regards to how they treat men in relationships. For the most part, though, Doghouse is still a pretty good, gory flick that is worth at least one viewing. I guess you just shouldn't take it so seriously.

Trying to help a buddy through a painful divorce, six friends travel to the tiny, isolated town of Moodley, where the women outnumber the men. As soon as they arrive, however, they find out that their plan of drinking heavily and chasing tail is not going to happen because the women of Moodley are sick with a dangerous virus that makes them very violent and hungry for the flesh of the men.

One thing that the movie really gets right is the blood and guts. Gorehounds sniffing for something good will probably like what they see in Doghouse. There are tons of gags involving axes, SuperSoakers, radio controlled cars, swords, and golf clubs. The effects are practical, which is of course always welcome, and there are some really great looking shots of men who have been cut open and gutted. Very realistic. The look of the infected women is also fun, with their red eyes, sharp teeth and bumpy faces. Later on, they go through a second phase of the virus which makes them mutate a little more - long, nasty fingernails, for one - and also makes them stronger and more intelligent. All the actresses playing these chicks were truly fantastic, really going crazy in their roles and playing very effective zombie-like monsters. Miss Scissorhands (or "The Snipper" as she's actually credited) particularly stood out for me.

The comedy element is really where the film falters a bit. There are a couple of lines and situations that were funny and got a chuckle out of me, but mostly I was listening to the dialogue and thinking that I knew that they were trying to be funny and it just wasn't working on me for some reason. The problem was with the actors' execution and line delivery which was sometimes deadpan and lacked any physicality. Of course it's funny when three of the guys dress up in ladies' clothes to try to sneak their way through the horde, and actually pretty much the whole movie is absurd enough to be laughable, but the comedy still could have used some tweaking. Other than that, I enjoyed the actors in their roles and despite all of them having something annoying about their personalities, they make themselves be likable by being very cute and charming. There are also some moments where their brotherhood and love for each other shows, and that was cute.

Okay, the woman thing. Thinking about it a little bit more, I can see both sides of what they were doing here. At the beginning of the film, the audience is given a little introduction for each of our six guys specifically related to their problems with the women in their lives (they're all in the "doghouse" I guess). Their women are bitches who yell and throw things at them, so it's no wonder why they would want some guy time. The virus in Moodley only affects the women and the only people they want to kill are the men. The infected women are not even wearing normal clothes, but rather more like costumes of different stereotypical women - there's a bride, a dominatrix with big tits and a bigger sword, a schoolgirl in pigtails, a fat housewife, etc. There's even a point in the movie, when the men have some downtime from their fight to get out of Moodley, where they actually talk about how hot some of the infected women are! Oh, boys, you're unbelievable.

On the other hand, though, there are tons of movies about men doing wrong to women and about how evil and violent men can be towards women. Why not a movie about nice guys getting shit on by women? It happens, and these guys chose to deal with it and finally bring that male aggression to the surface. And really, it's easy not to take the misogyny seriously when you look at just how they chose to deal with it - flesh-eating crazies that are barely still human. It's a ridiculous extreme that's not even a very good metaphor for the types of women that these guys have to deal with in their real lives.

So I guess I'm giving Doghouse a half thumbs-up. It mostly gets the job done of being an enjoyable horror comedy, despite it not really being all that funny to me. The movie is just crazy and gory enough to be enjoyable for a lot of horror fans. Men, if you've had a bad breakup or something recently, I say give Doghouse a watch for a feel good time. Your women probably won't feel the same way, though.

Movie Review: Airborne (2012)

A recent impending snowy night was the perfect recipe for a movie night, and though I did not watch what I had initially intended too, the two films I chose turned out to be very nice surprises. First up was Airborne, a 2012 British film that is more of a thriller-mystery than horror with a bit of a strange twist that will probably piss off most people. Sometimes I guess I'm just too easy to please.

During a terrible storm, the last plane of the night takes off from Britain heading toward JFK in New York City. And what should be an easy flight with very few passengers slowly becomes anything but when passengers start to go missing and the plane starts to deviate from its intended destination. On the ground, an air traffic controller working his last night before retirement tries to help the people in the air when they are unable to contact the pilots and the plane disappears off the radar.

This movie caught my eye because the basic plot is one that I absolutely love and can't seem to get enough of - a small cast in one location for the majority of the movie. Each of the characters gets their own chance to stand out here but plot is what drives Airborne. And while the movie takes its sweet ass time working through some of the tropes of similar flicks, I couldn't help but completely enjoy the plot as it was being unfolded, despite the fact that they kept me in the dark about just what the hell was going on for most of the flick. I sort of like a movie to frustrate me to a point because, hey, at least it's keeping me interested.

Airborne is another one of those movies that's not fantastic but it's not horrible either. There's enough skill, talent, and seriousness here to warrant Airborne at least one watch to see if you like what it has to offer. If anything, you'll probably enjoy seeing none other than Mark Hamill in the role of the retiring air traffic controller Malcolm in a rare movie appearance. All of the cast are really on their game for this movie and it's part of what helps make it such an enjoyable ride.

The only thing about the characters that really made me scoff was the seemingly requisite horny young couple who mentions the Mile High Club roughly two minutes into the flight. Not only is that an instant spoiler that these two people will most definitely die, it is so freaking overused in any kind of movie that involves a plane. Come up with something new, seriously. My favorite character was the secretive, older businessman who travels with two bodyguards and says "fuck" every other word. Perhaps that should be annoying, but the guy had me in stitches with every line. Loved him. The director Dominic Burns also makes an appearance as the talkative passenger Bob, and Simon Phillips is perhaps the most likable character as Alan Fletcher. Each actor plays well to the whodunnit angle of the story, as they all at one point seem like they could be killer.

I have to talk about the twist now, so if you get all pissy about spoilers, this is your chance to run. The whole thing going on here is that the SIS (Secret Intelligence Service - the British CIA, I guess) is using the plane to transport an ancient Chinese vase to be sold overseas, and one of the stewardesses and her partner have plotted to detour the plane to South America where they will sell the vase to some drug lords and leave the rest of the passengers to be killed by them, as well. WHEW. Well actually, that's not it. The vase in question also happens to hold the soul of an ancient god that possesses people and makes them either kill themselves or other people. The strangest part about all this, though, is that when it all comes out, it's not as stupid as it should be. It's all handled in a strangely classy enough way so it wasn't even a problem at all.

Airborne turned out to be just my kind of movie. It's a good mystery with a more than competent cast to keep the plot thick and interesting right up until the somewhat ballsy conclusion.

Cockneys vs. Zombies Trailer and Opening Credit Sequence

Got an email today from somebody behind the upcoming British zom-com film Cockneys vs. Zombies and I feel like I totally need to share it. I'd heard the title of the movie floating around the Internet for a while but never felt the need to look more into it because... well, I don't really know why. But now that I have, I am stoked for this movie, as I adore zombie movies and British comedy. So here's the official Redband trailer for the movie and the amazing looking opening titles (which was what was emailed to me). Enjoy!

Cockneys vs. Zombies hits UK theaters this Friday, August 31!







Oh my gosh, the part where the old guy is getting away from the zombies with his walker fucking KILLED me.

Guest Review by Dylan Duarte: Salvage (2009)

Welcome to 2012, bloggers! The new year here is going to start (a few days late) with another guest post by author Dylan Duarte. Dylan wrote a review for me earlier for the film Wake Wood and now he's back reviewing another film I haven't seen, a low-budget British flick from 2009 called Salvage. The plot from IMDb reads as such: "When a container washes ashore, the residents of a sleepy cul-de-sac are plunged in violence, terror and paranoia. Ring fenced by the military, a single mother must overcome all odds to save her daughter." Well, that's not exactly how it reads on IMDb... I fixed the grammatical mistakes. And I have no fucking idea what "ring fenced" means but it doesn't sound good.

Salvage kicks off with a scene that's all-too-familiar to horror fans. A child darts off into a forest, eventually makes his way off the screen, at which point a tree is splattered with blood, signifying that he met his end, probably in a gruesome fashion. I wish this scene wasn't in the film. At least, not this early on.

What follows is a car ride with a father and a daughter who share an obviously close relationship. The father is taking his daughter to her mother's house for the holidays, a visit the daughter isn't looking forward to. Eventually the daughter shows up, finds the mother engaged in adult activities, storms off to a neighbor's house, and before you know it, we've got a family drama on our hands. Salvage isn't just a horror film with dramatic elements, it's a successful blend of the two genres. There does come a point where you might forget that you sat down to watch a horror film, which is outstanding, because the unexpected is scary.

Most horror films work by eliciting fear in the viewer. Salvage elicits panic. There are the more subdued moments, where everything is calm and quiet and creepy, but there's always an underlying panic. People are trapped in a house with multiple entrances while god-knows-what is lurking outside. They don't know what it is. We don't know what it is. They have ideas, but we don't know if we believe those ideas. It's an age-old concept, the idea that you're imagination will whip up something far scarier than anything you could see on the screen, but it's used effectively. Little hints are dropped along the way, the most terrifying of which is that the military is having trouble containing whatever it is. What's a middle-aged woman looking for her daughter and a cheating husband going to do? Salvage has a tiny cast of characters, some more likable than others, but as they rise to the occasion we began to appreciate just how genuine they are.

Not only is Salvage low-budget, it's one of those films were it could only be low-budget. I think more money might've ruined the picture by stifling creativity. What they don't do in the film is just as effective as what they do. Salvage manages to maintain a heightened sense of tension all the way to the end, but I'm not crazy about the ending. It's a concept that's been used before and its effect has just diminished over the years. Not to mention it's cynical as hell, but I do think that the heroism of the main characters balances it out. Salvage is a nice, quiet little horror made by people who know what they're doing.

Guest author Dylan Duarte wishes he lived in a sleepy little cul-de-sac. When he’s not immersed in cinema, he’s writing about Halloween costumes. He can be reached at dylnduarte@gmail.com.