Project Terrible: Morning Star (2014)

 

Overall, this Project Terrible round was not all that painful. I got some laughs and I got some goofy sci-fi and now I've got some... well, I'm not all that sure what this was. Morning Star, my pick from Robert Mohr at Gaming Creatively (and Mondo Bizarro), is some odd period piece that looks good but doesn't have anything else to back it up. Let me explain why.

This is a movie that has forgotten something that is usually pretty important to movies. Like a plot. Morning Star does not really have one. You'd think someone would have noticed that, but it seems like they were too focused on trying to make the film all deep and meaningful - which it is not at all. Basically, the movie begins with some lame battle where one dude who is never given a name survives. His best buddy ever was killed in said battle, which makes him sad, so he wraps the body up and sets out to take him home to be buried.

But you see, that really is as far as they get plot-wise. The whole movie is a repetitive series of the dude - we'll call him Soldier - travelling, sleeping, dreaming, meeting up with strange people, having conversations with these people where they both talk a lot but nobody really says anything, and having lame swordfights. THAT'S IT. His prophetic dreams or hallucinations supposedly give the audience clues as to Soldier's state of mind or what's really going on, but not so much. Even at the end, which is the most convoluted, ridiculous ending you have ever seen, you still have no idea what the fuck has been going on for the past 90 minutes. I even took some notes and I have no idea. Granted, I don't really care, but at least I tried. The filmmakers didn't.

I will give them some points because Morning Star does look good. Most of the movie takes place in various places outdoors so there are some nice landscape shots. This technique probably also helped them out since the film takes place during the Inquisition, all they had to worry about getting sorta-historically accurate was the costuming. Could be totally wrong, but again, I don't care. The really disappointing thing is that all these medieval swordfights that Soldier gets into suck really bad. Not one drop of blood! Ever! How is that possible? I thought for sure that these guys must have been inspired by Gladiator or Beowulf and would surprise the audience with some gory kills. What? Did you spend all your money on fake leather and dirt? 'Cause that's all there is in the movie.

The audience doesn't know if half of the events in Morning Star are ones that actually happened or not. The "plot" is just as comprehensible as Soldier's dreams. They try to make it so meaningful for Soldier, too, by having him be continuously visited by his dead buddy (although not in an awesome American Werewolf in London way) but that certainly doesn't help our confusion. What furthers the confusion even more than I thought possible, was when the movie suddenly jumps back in time to one of the very first scenes and then continue on from there as if none of the other stuff ever occurred. The dialogue tries to wax poetical with every word out of every character's mouth, but it just ends up sounding like narcissistic, inane bullshit. None of it means anything, don't even try to make me believe otherwise.

Morning Star is nothing more than a waste of time and film. There is no meaning and no reason for this movie to even exist, as it has no meaning. Ugh, I really hate movies like that. So that's it for this Project Terrible round, friends! It's been fun, as always!




That Netflix description for Morning Star though. "After conquering their enemies, a group of triumphant warriors returns home. But what starts as a day of celebration quickly turns to horror." For serious? That could not be further from the truth, and whatever jackhole wrote that is setting some viewers up for some very serious disappointment if they happen to his 'play' for Morning Star. And that's just not right.