Sunday, January 27, 2013

Project Terrible: Android Insurrection (2012)

Fuck me, have I about had it with technology this week.

When I went to watch my newly assigned Project Terrible movie - Android Insurrection - this morning on my instant streaming, I literally watched it for five minutes before my PS3 up and fucking DIED on me. It is just fucking dead. So I wasted $1.29 to get Android Insurrection out of Redbox and I bought me a Blu-ray player with wireless so I got Netflix back. The PS3 will just have to sit in the corner and think about what it's done before I decide whether or not I want to get it fixed or buy a new one.

Anyway, on to the review of the shitty robot movie.

For serious, why do they even bother to make movies like this at all? They can't have made any money off of it at all (except maybe for my $1.29) and they spent some money on CGI for a movie that absolutely does nothing and says nothing. Android Insurrection is not only just a plain old shitty movie, it's boring. BO-ring. With a weak plot and atrocious effects, this low-budget sci-fi flick wasn't even worth the effort. The thanks goes to our newest PT member, Alex Jowski, who was kind enough to replace the much more promising-looking movie Vampire Wars with this turd. 

Led by tough leader Karen Foxwell, a group of military-type people are the best robot-killers around. After a tough two-week mission, they are immediately sent on a more secretive mission to a facility in order to retrieve an android that's gone rogue. The android has built some kind of machine that does... something. I think it was something bad that could kill humans. But they're supposed to destroy this thing but also bring back an android that can help them? Yes? No? Who cares. Moving on.

I have only one nice thing to say about the movie, which is that it has a nice opening credit sequence. The animation is cool and there is a guy giving a speech about how great robots are and how useful they are to humans, and then it goes on to imply that humans should be careful around the robots. Dun dun DUN! But this sequence is so misleading as to the quality of the rest of the film, which quickly reveals itself to be just as bad as, if not worse than, a stock SyFy movie.

I can't even be funny about this movie because there's almost nothing going on here to talk about. Poor dialogue doesn't move the story along at all, and the story itself paper thin and nothing you haven't seen in literally every single freaking science fiction movie ever made. Even as a action movie, Android Insurrection is a failure. Several of our main group are killed by the rogue android - and not a single thing is seen. It's not even implied. I have no idea how that thing killed anybody. The rest of the action is shit as well, as the guys just sort of stand there and limply shoot their guns at stuff, relying on the CG sparks or whatever to let us know that the guns are actually firing. 

The faceless, unimportant characters are all pulled straight from the cliche handbook - tough chick, smart mouth tough chick, sunglass-wearing cocky bastard, skinny nerd, ball-busting muscle guy, and slimy corporate guy. Blah blah blah, just kill these uninteresting people already, I didn't care about them from the start. The main tough chick, Foxwell, is emotionless and authoritative like a commander should be. They mention a couple times that she never gets hit when they go on a mission and she really hates androids, so I immediately knew that she actually was an android herself. And surprise, surprise, she is. That was the big twist, but it was ridiculously unnecessary. Also, the Colonel had a horrendous German accent.

The same sets are used over and over again and not a single thing screamed to me that this was supposed to be the year 2532. There's a white Chevy truck somewhere in there, metal filing cabinets, paper notes taped to doors - I mean seriously, this is 500 years in the future? The movie is so small and has absolutely no scope in terms of creating a sense of urgency or danger for the characters. An amazing thing about these sets is how the huge freaking robots are able to jump out of nowhere in them, completely unseen and unheard by the characters until they are right next to them. Ridic. The whole thing is absolutely ridic. Good thing the movie is short.

Ugh, what a bore and what a waste. Nothing about Android Insurrection is entertaining because it's just the same old recycled sci-fi shit. I'm almost more angry at it for being so lazy rather than amused at its shittiness. 

Last up for Project Terrible, is a robot movie from the 50s. Is it going to be better or worse than this one? I honestly don't know!


  1. If it makes you feel any better, I can assure you that Bob and I watched a piece of Sci-Fi trash that is FAR worse than this one. It's not hyperbole- it's a fact!

  2. I haven't seen Android Insurrection, but I'm sure it can't be worse than Robot Monster lol :-)

  3. Red Box even! That's actually why this movie immediately came to mind when you said you needed a new one, because this movie's been at the Red Box machine near me for two weeks, daring me and taunting me.

  4. Can't wait to see this! Have you reviewed Communion with Christopher Walken yet?

  5. Hey there. I was in this. You are wrong in no aspect, but the people who worked on it are lovely and well-intentioned, I swear. Love your 'blog,

    Some Guy and/or Girl

  6. I agree with you 100%.....What a waste of time this one was. Great review by the way.