Uh huh. So that's the kind of movie this is going to be. Goody. Like I said this is my first David DeCoteau movie. It sure as fuck better be my last. Don't get me wrong, I don't have any problem with gay and lesbian movies at all, but seriously. This is basically the softest core porn I've ever seen with only the slightest attempt at some other kind of plot. Shirtless guys walk around this beach house, swimming, taking showers, acting badly. Why didn't DeCoteau just make an actual porn and get it over with?
Anyway, back to the movie. After the first scene with Ryan, there's a quick scene with some other shirtless dudes including our main guy, Sean, talking about some secret diving mission. Not long after that, another shirtless boy in shorts, this time called Jesse, walks into the same house that Ryan did at the beginning, and starts wandering around asking if anybody is there. Oh my gosh, really? And guess what - he gets hit with electricity too and ends up (in his tightie whities of course) tied to the staircase railing. He does some more lame struggling, but does do some great poses that show off his ab muscles and ass, and then... nothing happens again.
Okay, so I guess the main "story" of this movie is about the aforementioned muscular hunk named Sean who is in the Caribbean searching for underwater treasure and planning to write a book about it and have a reality show or some such crap. He's a douchebag, but you could pretty much tell that by looking at him. We are later introduced to some "experts" that he's brought into his beach house to help him with research and stuff, but none of them end up doing much more than walking around in their speedos and go swimming. They all just happen to be hot young guys.
Oh no wait, a chick shows up! Not a hot chick, of course, but a chick nonetheless, and she does nothing to help the characters or the movie itself. These actors were obviously only chosen for their looks and their willingness to be in a really bad gay movie. Um, yea for them?
After the scene where Sean supposedly kills his island contact with an enormous piece of driftwood, and before we meet any of the other main characters, the movie goes back into a familiar pattern. Yup, a THIRD guy (Josh, as he tells us, and strangely not shirtless) walks into the house and starts walking around asking if anybody is there. STOP IT, STOP IT RIGHT NOW! I can't watch another scene like this again without anything happening or without them explaining anything. But surprise surprise, nothing is ever really explained enough to anybody's satisfaction.
Lemme just try to sum up what they say is going on here. While Sean was searching for whatever at the bottom of the ocean he took an important artifact from Atlantis. Yeah, Atlantis. One of the guys in Sean's house is impersonating the expert Clay he brought in and he's like a citizen of Atlantis whose been doing experiments on people and all the planes that disappear over the Bermuda Triangle and taking the people into the fourth dimension. Does that make sense? Didn't think so.
The most exciting part of the movie for our gay viewers is probably the scene where Sean takes a shower - though he doesn't need it - for THREE MINUTES. I say this is the best scene because Sean has arguably the best body of any of the guys in the movie. So DeCoteau lets us enjoy that by showing him running his hands over his (very ripped) stomach and arms. I thought for a second that something was wrong with the movie because he uses the exact same shot twice in this sequence... just to prolong it, I guess.
What happens at the end? Goodness help me, a FOURTH guy walks into the house looking for people. He gets hit with the lightning and tied up in the shower. Still no good explanation for why we have to watch naked guys struggling - other than to, you know, watch naked guys struggling. I don't really give a crap one way or the other but it's frustrating. And then what happens after the fourth dude gets tied up? No, more than just nothing - the movie ENDS.
It's bad, you get that. It's a gay movie and it's bad. The acting is one dimensional and mechanical, the plot is beyond lame, the music is repetitive and annoying. Shirtless guys walking around. That's all it is. And there are apparently a lot more movies like this from DeCoteau, which is cool for his fans and all but this is obviously not my thing. Until the next Project Terrible, I leave you with the only screenshot I could find for 1313 Bermuda Triangle, which is of our main shirtless guy, Sean. Enjoy!
I give unto the world the following word: queersploitation.
ReplyDeleteNo doubt, Bryant!
DeleteWow. I never thought I'd get the chance to say this, but that sounds a heck of a lot like Kill the Scream Queen. Although...replace "guys wandering in a house" with "women getting talked at by a bearded guy" or "lengthy shots of bodies in a forest."
ReplyDeleteIn other words, nothing I would ever wish anyone would have to watch. O_O
Was I the one that gave you Kill the Scream Queen for another PT? If so, I'm sorry, if it's so similar to this POS. Pure retardedness.
DeleteHere's the thing though - it's not really gay - or at least I assume it's like the two I've watched - but there's no gay activity in it. It feels gay, but there's no kissing or sexual activity in it. So not sure it needs a label identifying it as gay. The biggest problem with these movies is they are INERT. Period. And - Michelle Bauer - the woman? She was a big part of my 80's B movie watching, and she's still a hottie. Sorry you had to go through this one.
ReplyDeleteIt's totally gay, Craig. There's no sex, true, but I don't think it's wrong to call it gay. It's under Netflix as a "gay and lesbian movie" not that that really means anything, but with so many similar movies by DeCoteau, who is gay, I think he's pretty out there with his intentions. One of his first movies is supposedly the first gay romance, but I'm sure it's a lot better than any of these 1313 crapfests.
DeleteI fully understand what you've been through. I already had to watch 2 of these horribly dumb semi-gay horror films from that hack DeCoteau :)
ReplyDeleteGood on you for sitting through two of these movies! At least they were kinda funny in how bad they were, I know this one was.
DeleteDid someone mention DeCoteau and his 1313 films? I've got some things to say about that. Okay. That random house is the same house EVERY one of these 1313 films takes place in. The actual place is in Malibu though it's fictional location varies from film to film.
ReplyDeleteI've watched a TON of these seemingly homo-erotic DeCoteau flicks. While the 1313 films are downright unwatchable, they were never meant to be watched - they were only supposed to be picked up by distributors and tossed onto Netflix or RedBoxes for people to go "What the hell is this" and watch it. In that regard, DeCoteau succeeded. Also, the films were all shot, each over the course of 2 days for the purpose of selling the visual "talent" of what David calls "DeCoteau Dudes." Most of them are working models - a lot of them underwear models. He puts them in a quick film like this so he has something to use when selling that actor to another casting director. The movies aren't made for an audience - they are all a business/marketing move for him and that's why they fail at being entertaining movies. That's why they seem so "gay" with all the shirtless guys. The beefcake is not for the audience's benefit, its there for a future casting director to see. In other words, he's not really making a movie to entertain people, he's just knocking something out fast so these guys have something to put on a resume.
I've actually developed a lot of respect for DeCoteau lately. His films may be borderline garbage but the guy knows how to market his trash. Also, the woman in this movie (and a lot of DeCoteau's recent work) is 80s scream queen Brinke Stevens and David's done a lot of work with her and other 80s horror stars like Linnea Quigley. DeCoteau is capable of making good horror movies, he has made some in the past. I really recommend checking out the website for DeCoteau's production company, Rapid Heart Pictures. He's got a lot of podcasts and recodings that really explain a lot of why this 80s cult director went on to make a bunch of DTV crap.
Sorry to double post but I needed to amend the fact that it's Michelle Bauer in this one, who is also in a lot of DeCoteau films, along with Brinke Stevens and Lennea Quigley.
DeleteThat actually makes a lot of sense, Alex, considering the lack of plot in this movie and the only intention seemingly being to show off these dudes without their shirts (and/or pants). And that's really not a bad way to help these guys with their careers - if they just did a better job at the acting thing, they might actually get some work from these movies.
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ReplyDeleteMichele -
ReplyDeleteUsing the exact same shot twice (or more) within a scene is a technique DeCoteau applies with abandon in the 1313 movie series. I suspect it usually passes unnoticed because almost no one actually watches the movies. The few who do watch, or try to watch, must be forgiven when their attention wanders and they fail to notice, in the lethally repetitive scenes that constitute the movies, actual repeated footage.
Alex Jowski’s comment of November 19, 2012 at 2:31 AM that the 1313 movies were made as resume fillers for the actors seems entirely plausible. A couple of examples: (1) Model Andrew M. Gray was selected to star as one of the five title characters in Viacom’s Nickelodeon TV series, Power Rangers Megaforce, which premiered in 2013. His only previous acting credit was his appearance in DeCoteau’s 2011 release, 1313: Wicked Stepbrother. (2) Graham Rogers was selected to portray one of the main characters in Comcast-NBCUniversal’s NBC TV series, Revolution, which premiered in 2012. His appearance in 1313: Haunted Frat, another of DeCoteau’s 2011 releases, was the first of the three acting credits Rogers had before he was cast in Revolution. (However, Rogers was also in a 2010 TV commercial that went viral: at the time an unknown, wannabe actor, he was the “Can I get a hot tub?” guy.) In fact, DeCoteau has a seemingly well-earned reputation for discovering future movie and TV successes early in their careers. Just to list some of the others who, while they were still relatively unknown in the industry, appeared in DeCoteau’s movies, then went on to establish careers: Riley Smith and Drew Fuller appeared in Voodoo Academy (2000); Sam Page, Josh Hammond, Bradley Stryker, and Brandon Beemer appeared in The Brotherhood (2001); Sean Faris appeared in The Brotherhood 2: Young Warlocks (2001); Josh Henderson appeared in Leeches! (2003); and the late Cory Monteith appeared in Killer Bash (2005).
I sympathize with your impatience at DeCoteau’s coyness. I, too, have thought, “For God’s sake just show his stuff and be done with it!” DeCoteau has said that he keeps the extensive skin exposure G rated (he doesn’t even show bare butts) to avoid damaging the actors’ careers. This, I believe, reflects the prevalent attitude among those who, like DeCoteau, were born before 1980. The more modern attitude toward sex and anything that smacks of it, especially common among those born since the 1980s, seems to be far more relaxed (and healthier). Sad to say, the entertainment industry is run almost entirely by the older group. Still, there are unmistakable (and hopeful) signs that attitudes are changing.
As for DeCoteau making porn, he used to. He got his start as a director by making porn flicks. In fact, he’s said that he learned the movie-making business by making them.
Having seen none of DeCoteau’s movies except 1313: UFO Invasion and part of 1313: Wicked Stepbrother, both of which, under the guise of sci-fi and horror, Netflix suckered me into, I can’t say whether you should give any of DeCoteau’s other movies a chance. But DeCoteau has had a number of successes, after a fashion at any rate. Some of his movies, e.g., Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-o-Rama, have been called cult classics, apparently in roughly the same tongue-in-cheek vein as The Rocky Horror Picture Show. (When I first wrote the preceding sentence—no, it’s not a mixed metaphor, I didn’t intend any double entendres, but I rather like those that ended up there, so I let it stand.) And DeCoteau’s Leather Jacket Love Story has even been called seminal, apparently without intending the double entendre.