Movie Review: Happy Birthday To Me (1981)

Yet another movie that I saw years and years ago and have completely forgotten about since then! I remembered some key scenes from the movie but honestly, the bulk of it was pretty much all gone. Oh, my brain, do I try to put too much information in you at one time and you just decide to throw the old stuff out? Well anyway, Happy Birthday To Me is back in my brain now.

Virginia Wainwright is the newest member of Crawford Academy's "Top Ten," an elite clique of the richest and most popular students at the school. A few days before her birthday, Virginia's friends start disappearing one by one, murdered by an unseen foe. And Virginia suffers confusing blackouts at the same time, causing her to believe that she may indeed be the culprit. Is she murdering her friends and not remembering it, or is it someone else?

The entire movie can be quite confusing at points. Our main character Virginia is already suffering from memory loss as a result of a tragic experience involving the death of her mother. We only learn truth as she does. She is undergoing therapy and we later find out that she's had some kind of brain surgery. Okay, so she can't really be trusted. Then when her friends start disappearing and dying, Virginia loses chunks of time which is confusing to her and the audience.

Overall, no one in this movie really knows what the hell is going on. Virginia doesn't know what the hell is going on. Her doctor doesn't know what the hell is going on. Her dad, the cops, and especially her friends don't have the slightest clue (and at times, they don't even seem to really care) why these kids are dying, who's doing it and why.

Now, boasting the tagline "Six of the most bizarre murders you'll ever see" is pretty ballsy and a large plate to fill. I'd say this movie gets a thumbs down in that respect. Getting stabbed in the stomach with hedge clippers? No. Not "bizarre." Rather boring, in fact. Bizarre is the kind of weird shit that happens to people in the Final Destination movies. Catching your scarf in the wheel of a motorcycle is a little better but not much.

One of my favorites definitely has to be the famous shish kabob death simply because that kind of rules and because it inspired that awesome poster. Better than that though, in my opinion, is the guy who gets the barbell dropped on his neck. I was expecting it to just crush him and him gagging and stuff, but no. It drops down all quick like and we get a nice spattering of blood. Good scene. The next best one is the murder of the doctor with a fire poker. This one is interesting from the sheer amount of blood that comes out of the man from only a few whacks with the poker. Blood just covers one wall of Virginia's room; it's really a little excessive but cool at the same time.

Pre-Saw III, this film also gives us a great brain surgery scene, where a piece of Virginia's skull is cut out, showing a nice, bloody and bulging brain underneath. Yuck. My only question: How did her hair grow back so fast?

The famous ending to the film, where it is revealed that Ann is the killer and has been wearing a Virginia-mask to do the deeds, feels like it was tacked on at the last minute. And some stories on the internet will tell you that it indeed was tacked on, replacing an ending that made sense with story - probably that Virginia was the killer and had just gone psychotic. For what the rest of the movie sets up, Virginia being the killer does make the most sense, but then I think a good chunk of the movie's fame comes from the twisted ending.

Two things are really wrong with the ending, though. One is the obvious: that mask bullshit is about as believable as leprechauns. Ann just puts on a mask and she suddenly looks seamlessly like Virginia? Really? Especially when Ann's got those weird, perfectly straight and big teeth? Me thinks no. You really have to suspend some disbelief to deal with these shenanigans. The other thing is Ann's incredibly lame motivation. If I haven't said it yet, I'll say it here: I cannot stand killers with lame motivations! The whole half-sisters with Virginia being the better one that everyone cared about or whatever... no. Just... no. I don't believe it and I don't like it. Get a life.

Though it's a jumble of confusion all the way around (that scene with Virginia and the other dude in the bell tower? How weird was that?), Happy Birthday To Me has entered the hearts of the cult-lovers of the world, and for the most part, it's pretty good. It's different enough from the typical slasher mold to get noticed and give audiences something fresh.

Horror Movie Memorabilia (And Excuses For Not Blogging)

TheGirl has been slacking a lot on the review writing. This is for a few reasons, perhaps. One, I haven't actually been watching many movies lately (ever since I discovered "Hoarders" was on Netflix - love that show) and the ones I have seen have not been that worthy of a review. Except The Brood. Still working on that. Two, I'm on the book tour for Shock Value by Jason Zinoman and I've had to read that and write a deserving review, which I am also still working on (will be posted on July 18!). In fact, I may even read it again in order to have a more informed opinion. Whew.

So I'm trying to be more creative with the blogging thing and doing more than just reviews. Today, as I'm sitting in my room, it hit me!

Some of my most prized possessions include my little array of horror movie memorabilia. I would like to share with you some of these things I've collected - with pictures, of course - and I want to hear from you about anything horror-related that YOU have! I don't know if any of this stuff is true "memorabilia," like, if they're worth anything or whatever, but I love them and I want to acquire more!

Posters

The most obvious thing to collect for any movie lover are posters. I've collected a lot of non-horror posters (used to work in the video section of my grocery store) and the horror ones I do have I love, but there are certain ones that I still need to get. LIKE POLTERGEIST. It's my favorite horror movie. Why don't I have a poster of it yet??? Anyway, here are the ones I do have.

The Evil Dead! It used to have a primo spot on my wall, right above my bed, but got moved recently.

Love Saw, of course, but more so, I love this image from the film so I had to get the poster.

As they appear on my walls. Two eras of filmmaking converge!

Gosh darn, I loves me some Resident Evil. And this poster was free, too!

Toys/Dolls

Some of these I picked up pretty cheap on eBay, some I found at my video store. They're all great.

This is the "Splitting Ash and Deadite" doll collection from Army of Darkness. Terrible likeness, but still kinda neat, I think.

Also a terrible likeness, this is supposed to be Darla from the "Welcome to the Hellmouth" episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. She's got some cute accessories.

This is Jessica Biel's character Erin from the TCM remake (a little bit better likeness!). I like the movie but not sure why I bought this. I guess because I liked that she's got a big slab of meat with her.

Here's the best one! The original Movie Maniacs doll of Leatherface from The Texas Chain Saw Massacre! He's got a background with the movie poster, a bloody bucket, a severed head, a meat hook... everything Leatherface needs!

Calm down, Jenny, he's not real - I have to tell myself that several times a day, too. This little plush Chucky doll is supposedly from Child's Play 2 (as the tag says) but this could be from the first film as well, I guess. So far, he hasn't shown signs of coming to life, but who knows? He could be getting up in the middle of the night and wandering around my house for all I know.

Miscellaneous

T-shirts, knickknacks, and signs - oh my! Here's some more random stuff that I have!

The first of a few Psycho related stuff. I found this on AllPosters.com (FANTASTIC site) and just had to have it. It's just a cool tin sign.

 

More Psycho stuff. I got these goodies from Dollar Bin Horror and I L-O-V-E love them! My Bates Motel t-shirt already got a little color stain from the washing machine (GRRRR), but, my Bates Motel keychain is still rockin' its awesomeness on my keyring.

Brought back to life from a previous post, here's my autographed photo of Joe Bob Briggs!

And just for fun, here is my little bookshelf that holds nothing but Stephen King paperback and hardcover books. And I still don't have them all. I picked up a few first editions (at least I hope they are) of Pet Sematary and Misery recently so that's awesome!

I also have one of those Ghostface Scream masks, but that's not as cool because they sell that every year at Halloween stores now. 

So now my horror movie nerdines is out in the open for all to see. And I'm dang proud of it! What about my amazing fellow bloggers and readers? Got any cool horror movie stuff you have that you'd like to share?

Say What, Netflix?

I stumbled across this the other day and thought it was quite hilarious. So I've had the 1954 movie Creature from the Black Lagoon in my queue for a while (not sure if I'll ever get around to watching it, but beside the point) and this time as I'm going through my movies, I actually stop to read the description, per whoever writes these things for Netflix. It reads as follows:

"A legend in the history of B-movie fare. How many female scientists travel the Amazon bedecked in bikini-wear calculated to charm an anaconda off a branch?"

For shizz, dudes. THAT is the synopsis for Creature from the Black Lagoon. I find several things confusing and funny about this. First, the grammar bitch in me does not like that the first sentence is a fragment. I realize I probably use them a lot in my reviews, but whatever, it's my blog.

Second, I had to read that second sentence a good three times before I got what they were actually trying to say. It's a little poorly structured and loses it's main idea within that very long prepositional phrase starting with "in."

Third, this entire description is less than 30 words long and tells me absolutely nothing about the movie's plot, which is really annoying.

Fourth and perhaps most important, how dirty is that second sentence??? And don't tell me that I've got a dirty mind because some goofball over at the Netflix Description Writing Department definitely snuck this tidbit past the supervisors. "Charm an anaconda off a branch"? Really? If you don't get the hidden meaning in that, then you don't deserve to have it explained to you. For a 50s B-movie about a man-fish-monster-thing, this description is probably quite misleading.

So now I want to know who writes these descriptions for Netflix and how I can get in on that job. It sounds like a cakewalk to me if all you have to do is come up with nonsensical, perverted baloney like this.

Movie Reviews: The Resident and The Roommate (2011)

Grabbed these two movies out of the Redbox yesterday. Knew they were going to suck. Watched them anyway. Call me a glutton for punishment. Two movies about obsession. Neither one of them good. Must be hard to accomplish.

The Resident

Hilary Swank plays Juliet Devereaux, an ER doctor looking for a new apartment in New York City after separating from her cheating husband. She finds the perfect place - lots of space, nice price - with a cute landlord named Max who could become her next love interest. But when she has trouble sleeping and feels like she's being watched all the time, she starts to suspect that Max isn't as charming as he seems to be.

As a fan of Hilary Swank, I thought she might be the big highlight in this otherwise mediocre-looking movie. It started out not all that bad and overall the story is new and very creepy, but the execution and resolution are extremely disappointing. However, there is a nice turn in the narrative about halfway through. The movie stops being told exclusively from Juliet's perspective and immediately switches to Max's perspective, actually literally rewinding the movie and telling the same scenes over again as they are seen by the villain. The rest of the movie is then told by both of them which is kind of where it falls flat.

The scenes of Max sneaking into Juliet's room and other things he does to spy on her are very creepifying, if I may make up a word. And there are a couple of pretty good scenes - hiding under the bed, the needle under the toenail - but it all felt very boring to me. The suspense was minimal, if there was any at all, and at the point where things were supposed to be getting exciting, I found myself wandering around my room looking for things to distract me. Bad sign. I'm not even sure why the movie goes wrong for me. Maybe it was the dreaded anticipation of watching that final run and hide-and-seek showdown between the two main characters that I was just really sick of seeing. And whoops! Yup, there it is in this movie.

I did like the ending, though. Max is dead and Juliet throws down her weapon like a badass and walks away. One more shot of the dead guy and that's the end. There is no she's-a-much-stronger-woman-now denouement scene. The killer dies and the movie ends right away, which is the way I think most of these movies should end. Kudos to Jeffery Dean Morgan, as well. Good performance.

The Roommate

Now, The Roommate is one about which I had absolutely no expectations. It is lame and uninteresting all the way through, with situations and characters you've seen before but hopefully never will again.

Sara Matthews is excited for her college experience at the University of Los Angeles and everything seems to be going great at first. She makes friends, meets a cute boy, and gets along with her sweet roommate Rebecca. Rebecca soon becomes completely obsessed with becoming Sara's "bestest best friend," however, and Sara and everyone she knows is in danger.

Oh holy jeebus, I feel like I have seen this movie a hundred fucking times already. With Single White Female and a few Lifetime original movies, this plot is just old and done to DEATH. Getting the same tattoo is the same scene as getting the same haircut in SWF. Attacking the people who you deem unworthy of being around your obsessive friend is the same as in every other movie like this. There is nothing new here, nothing that even comes close to being a new idea or a new twist on the same old story.

Granted, the whole movie is pretty much given away in the title and the kind of movie it was marketed as. Everyone who has heard of this movie or even seen the poster - not even the trailer - can guess the major plot points without even seeing the movie itself. I kept watching the movie hoping that something unexpected would happen and at some points it felt like it might go off in a different direction but then it didn't. Disappointing that the screenwriters just fell into the same old habits.

The acting is not terrible. The girl playing Rebecca reminds me of Amanda Seyfried so I tried to imagine that it was her so I could find something about this movie that I liked. But there was just honestly not that much liking going on. The Roommate did keep me mildly interested throughout, but looking back on it as a whole, this movie is just a dud. It is ridiculously predictable and really, that's all there is to say.

A final note about this movie: Kitty in the dryer? NOT COOL, you sadistic motherfuckers. Not cool at all.