Review: Masters of Horror: Family (2006)

Okay, I've found another Masters of Horror episode that I love! Family is getting moved quite close to the top of the list of the best ones. It was quirky and fun, with a fantastic story and some great acting by (almost) all involved. It's fairly campy and has the sadistic black humor of a Tales from the Crypt episode but it's all done extremely well and makes for a fun hour of horror.

Harold Thompson is a robust, lovable but lonely serial killer who kidnaps and murders people to make them a part of his "family." When a young couple, David and Celia, move into the neighborhood, Harold takes to the young woman and wants to make her his new wife - not knowing that these two might have something up their sleeves as well.

The "Master" behind this tale is John Landis, who is another director that was kind of an odd choice for this series because his claim to horror fame basically consists only of An American Werewolf in London (and maybe Michael Jackson's Thriller video). But I think Family was the perfect choice for this guy because it shows his immense talent at satire and dark comedy. This episode could easily become a feature-length film which I no doubt would enjoy just as much as this hour-long awesomeness.

So right off the bat, we know what's going on with Harold - that he's a serial killer and all - with the great opening sequence going from the perfect little American neighborhood into the perfect little American house, with it's cute and clean decor and an upbeat Jesus-y song playing... then down into the basement where Harold is up to some nasty business.

You see, Harold has got a bit of a Norman Bates thing going on with what he does with his murder victims. He has this whole elaborate routine where he burns the flesh away from the body with acid, bleaches the bones, then puts the skeletons back together and dresses them up. They hang out in one room of Harold's  house that looks like a Leave It To Beaver living room and seem very alive to Harold, as he can easily carry on conversations (and arguments) with them. These scenes with Harold's family were hilarious to watch, probably more so when they make it look like the skeletons are talking than when they bring in real people to act out Harold's hallucinations.

Celia and David also seem like the dream couple. They're young and successful, making a cushy life for themselves in the Midwest so that they can start a family and be even more disgustingly happy. Sure, they seem to have had some rough patches in the past but they've obviously moved on. Harold is attracted to Celia almost right away (he has some funny hallucinations of her saying stuff like how she's not sexually satisfied with David and how she wants to, uh... orally copulate Harold) because he thinks he'd be a better husband for her than David.

All this plays out in a wickedly funny fashion, interspersed with some brilliant scenes of Harold both getting new members added to his family and getting rid of one to make room for another, i.e. Celia. George Wendt plays this character almost perfectly as he becomes the most likable and charming serial killer I've ever seen portrayed. And he's not charming in the creepy way that most actors play bad guys. He's charming in the way that, when he's normal, he's just a really nice guy. Not standoffish or creepy or pervy at all. He's not good-looking or hot, but rather is like the guy you talk to at the bank or meet in the line at the grocery store. Completely nice and trust-worthy.

I can't say that I completely expected the twist ending, but I knew that there was something going on with David and Celia, I just couldn't figure out what it was. Celia was way too bubbly and upbeat around Harold, even though there did seem to be something else brewing behind her eyes, especially in the scene when she tells Harold that they had a daughter who died of cancer. And while Meredith Monroe delivered a surprisingly excellent performance as Celia, Matt Keeslar as David was a bit of a disappointing, as he often seemed very fake. Although, in retrospect, I guess that could have just been his character's apprehensiveness about what he was going to do.

Also in retrospect, I'm wondering if Celia and David actually planned everything they did from the moment they moved in. Was hitting Harold's mailbox part of their plan to get close to him? If it was, then that could have messed things up because it could have caused bad blood between them and Harold. Anyway. Another thing I wasn't too keen on was that one effects shot of Harold pouring the acid on Grandpa's head. While on the one hand it was awesome to see this effect in full view without cutting away, it was disappointing that the CGI was so obvious (do I complain too much about "obvious CGI" on here? Maybe I should make it a new label so you guys know to stay away from those particular posts). Then again, this melting-people effect is one of my favorite/most hated way to see someone die in a movie because seeing melting flesh kind of makes me want to vomit. Strangely, that is a big compliment for horror films, so there you go.

Family is another one of the few highlights I've discovered in the jumbled mess of episodes in the Masters of Horror series. Though the horror part is fairly minimal, I think fans will still enjoy the wicked sense of humor and appreciate the effort put forth by the main actors who make this episode a must-see.

Review: Masters of Horror: Right to Die (2007)

Director Rob Schmidt could hardly be called a "Master of Horror" at the time that he directed Right to Die because he only had one horror film under his belt. But seeing as how that one horror film was one of my favorites of all time, Wrong Turn, I was excited to see what he could do with this episode. Truthfully, I had been majorly disappointed by most of the Masters of Horror episodes so I stopped seeking them out after a while. However, since they're only an hour long I gave this one a shot the other day and I'm glad to say that this is one of the better ones.

After his wife Abby is left badly burned and in a coma after a car accident, Cliff Addison has to make the horrible decision of whether or not to "pull his plug" on her. The problem is that every time Abby flatlines, she visits Cliff in the most awful ways, hellbent on revenge for recent slights committed against her. Cliff then has to figure out a way to keep Abby alive, or risk becoming one of her victims himself.

The first thing that attracts me to this episode is that the plot is one of the most creative I've seen in a while. It is essential a ghost story (do you know what I'm going to say here?) and I loves me some ghosts, so I was impressed with the unique perspective they took on the typical ghost or haunting story. Abby basically has one foot in the grave with how nasty burned up she is, and whenever she "dies" in the hospital, she takes the opportunity to get back at her husband. The visits last only as long as it takes for the doctors to revive her. I really thought that was genius, especially when you consider Cliff's dilemma - it'll solve all his problems if she dies, but her spirit will mostly kill him if she dies, as well.

One place that the Masters of Horror have never disappointed me on is the gore factor and Right to Die has got some great gore moments. I have a pretty severe fear of being burned by fire so this episode did absolutely nothing to alleviate that. Abby has been burned basically over 100% of her body so she's bandaged head to toe but when she visits Cliff's mistress, Trish, and his sleazy lawyer (Corbin Bernsen rules) she is gored-out and bloody and oozy and I was very uncomfortable. But that scene where she's propped up on the table and the doctors are doing something like removing skin or whatever? YEESH. That was disgusting. Oh, and you know how when you pull a slice of pizza out of the pie and the cheese gets all gooey and sticks to the edges? Yeah, that's what it looked when the doctors use the defibrillator paddles on Abby while trying to resuscitate her.

The climactic scene comes when Cliff learns that the doctors only have a few hours to save Abby using skin grafts and they need a donor. Cliff finds a donor himself in the slutty Trish girl and proceeds to tie her down, dose her with laughing gas, and skin her alive - because, of course, the skin has to be fresh. The makeup effects here, and really throughout the whole episode, was very impressive and seamless. Everything is shown in all its bloody glory with nothing left to the imagination and it was fantastic. High five to those guys at KNB because they really know their shit.

By the end of the episode, I couldn't help but be on Abby's side. Sure she's kind of a vengeful bitch, but when the truth about what happened to her is revealed, you realize that Cliff has gotten off easy for all the things he has done. He had an affair, basically murdered his wife, and though he shows remorse for it all, his reasons for wanting to save her are completely selfish. At the end, when Abby has finally died (for good), Cliff walks through the front door where his wife's ghost is waiting for him and apparently takes his punishment. I was expecting a more bloody end for Cliff with a big climactic battle with Abby's ghost but this ending was so much more effective. You don't really have to see what happens to Cliff to know that he is pretty much fucked in the hands of the woman he betrayed and killed.

Schmidt definitely has some talent in the horror genre with this and Wrong Turn, so I would be more than happy to check out anything else he has to offer. Right to Die had a great story and was delightfully and disgustingly gory. Gives me hope for some of the other episodes I'm still catching up on.

A Week of "P" Movies: Pelts

Fuck you, Dario Argento. Fuck you and your GD genius of gore. Don't get me wrong, I love you and all, but fucking Pelts fucking traumatized me for life. Thanks.

No, sincerely... thanks. I mean, Pelts has got some of the best gore I've seen in a long time, but still. Is it possible that this is maybe too much gore?

I never thought I would say that.

In Pelts, Meat Loaf plays a sleazy fur trader obsessed with a lesbian stripper named Shanna (I must admit, she has a very nice ass), who wants nothing to do with him (I mean, it's Meat Loaf, hello!). When John Saxon, one of those dudes who catches and skins animals for furs, captures a slew of raccoons with apparently gorgeous pelts (I didn't know raccoons were that awesome), Meat Loaf really wants them to make a fur coat for Shanna so he can finally have her (and by have her, yes, I mean have sex with her). Ah, but these are no ordinary pelts. For some reason that is never explained, the pelts make those around them go insanely cuckoo and also makes them mutilate themselves in the grossest ways ever. Let the gore commence.

If loving Argento is wrong,
I don't want to be right.

Now, I'm going to admit that I really hated Argento's first Masters of Horror episode, Jenifer. It was just, like, I don't know... weird. So I was thinking that this next one had to be better. I was never warned that Pelts was perhaps the goriest thing produced by Masters of Horror yet (well, except maybe Takashi Miike's Imprint, which never aired, which I still haven't watched yet for some reason), but the element of surprise was worth the experience of watching Pelts for the first time.

Let's just talk about the gore for this movie, okay? Yeah, I could talk about the acting and the subtext about obsessions and passions or whatever, but who cares. My first gore review, whoopie! Let's go scene by scene.

1. John Saxon's head bashed in with a baseball bat. You see his head cave in on the very first strike. Not as inventive a kill as it could have been, but very brutal.

2. Kid putting his face into an animal trap. The scene that traumatized me for life. This and that jaw rip death from Mirrors have freaked me out more than anything else I have seen. After beating the shit out of John Saxon's head, this kid goes down to the basement, lovingly strokes the raccoon pelts, puts an animal trap onto a table, opens it, smiles, and then PUTS HIS FUCKING FACE INTO IT. And this is Argento, so we don't cut away at all. Noooo, we have to see the whole GD thing, up close and personal. Excellent makeup effects, but FUCK. Was that disturbing.

Even worse: When Meat Loaf and this other dude discover the body, Meat Loaf sort of smiles and looks at it like it's the most beautiful thing in the world. Creeeeeeeepyyyyy.

3. Man eviscerates himself. After being berated by Meat Loaf for cutting the pelts wrong, one of his workers pulls out some scissors while sitting in his car. He cuts into himself from belly to throat, rips his skin apart, and starts pulling out his guts. The makeup, and sound effects especially, were a little too good in this scene and I almost horked on my shoes. 

4. Woman sews her face shut. A little lame and a little too obviously CG. One of Meat Loaf's stereotypical Chinese female workers stays late one night to finish the fur coat and instead decides to sew her nose, mouth, and eyes shut. Kind of boring. I wasn't impressed.

5. Meat Loaf makes Shanna a skin tank top. The penultimate event of the episode. Meat Loaf takes the fur coat to Shanna's apartment, bangs her, and then goes into the bathroom, saying that he "needs something sharp." Uh oh. He finds a knife in the kitchen and starts to slice along his body, and you're wondering, Well, hm. What's he doing there? Then again, we have a full on effects and gore shot that doesn't cut away of Meat Loaf pulling his skin off, over his head like a t-shirt. Ew, ew, ew, ew, EW.

6. Shanna rips her hand off in the elevator doors. In the same scene, Meat Loaf chases Shanna to the elevator of her apartment building. Trying to get away from him, she gets her hand caught in the elevator doors as they are closing. Somehow (I'm thinking this is not very possible) she just rips her hand off, leaving behind the bloodiest crime scene ever. The CSI team is in for a long night.

So there you have it, the gore highlights of Pelts, on my list as one of the best gorefests (at least, from what I've seen so far) out there.

Did you notice how everybody's death has got something to do with what they do to the raccoons? The baseball bat to bash their skulls and kill them; the trap to catch them; the scissors to cut the pelts once they're dried; and the needle and thread to sew the coat together. Meat Loaf skinning himself is obviously with how they skin the newly killed animals and Shanna getting her hand caught in the elevator and ripping it off is reminiscent of animals chewing off their own limbs to get out of a trap. Clever, screenwriters. Clever. I like it.

Side note: Haven't seen all of the Masters of Horror episodes yet, but so far my top three are Pelts, Incident On and Off a Mountain Road, and Cigarette Burns.