OH-kay! Now this is what Project Terrible is all about, folks! Zombie Nation, my movie challenge from Cinema Gonzo, was without a doubt the worst movie in the history of bad movies. I can't even wrap my head around how shitty this was. This would normally infuriate me but instead it makes me strangely excited because I can finally rant about a movie's shortcomings - and this movie has PLENTY of them - and not feel bad about it at all. Because this movie deserves every bad review it gets.
To be truthful, this isn't a bad idea for a movie - on paper. Bringing back the dead and giving them a mission of sorts to kill the person or persons who killed them could make for a fun horror flick. Alas, I don't think the people who made this movie had any idea what the hell they were doing. Everything about Zombie Nation sucks. Really hard. We all love some of those "so bad it's good" movies, but this is ridiculously awful. This is so bad it's... really fucking bad. In the words of Butthead, "this sucks more than anything that has sucked before." Have I properly conveyed how shitty this movie is yet? Let's go over the specs just to make absolutely sure.
Interspersed with scenes of the crazy cop we get these ungodly awful flashbacks to something that makes no sense. There's a kid walking down a row of people in beds with his wheelchair-bound mother who constantly gives him crap for his dirty hands. And there's a guy savagely beating a fat bald guy with a stick on the ass. Obviously his mother is some kind of doctor or whatever but this is NEVER explained properly just what the hell kind of research or experiments she's doing on crazy people. It only serves to give a vague reason of why this cop turns out to be a crazy killer.
When we finally get to the zombie part of the movie promised in the title, it takes about AN HOUR to get there. The girls buried in the ground dig themselves out and I was like Yay! Zombies! But these are the worst kind of zombies I've ever seen. They talk normally, walk normally and basically look normal. Actually the makeup used on these chicks to identify them as zombies is nothing more than black eye-liner smudged around their eyes. Really?! I did that for a Halloween costume when I was eight.
So what happens in the hour before the zombies show up? Nothing. Just a lot of horribly acted scenes of crazy cop's partner finally conveying his concerns about how the guy was obviously MURDERING women, and the precinct not taking him the least bit seriously. I may have zoned out on some of these parts but I don't think you can blame me.
The only gore in the movie when the zombie chicks pull off and eat a guy's penis and when they're munching on the crazy cop's intestines. It's really nothing to get excited about and was so disappointing because there wasn't even anything funny about these parts. It was just kind of sad how lame all this crap was.
At the end, after the zombie chicks have killed crazy cop and dumped his body in the water, they go back to the voodoo chicks and tell them that they ate him. This is when the voodoo chicks get all surprised and are like, "Oh, didn't we tell you not to eat people? That turns them into zombies too!" The movie ends with crazy cop emerging from the water all zombi-fied. Oh, but before that it is revealed that the zombie chicks have now become the new police officers at the 707. Thank you jebus, the torture is over.
I wouldn't even really recommend this as a "so bad it's good" movie. The only mild joy you'll get out of this movie is laughing at its numerous and achingly bad flaws. There's a lot of other bad stuff that I left out, but if you're wildly curious, and really brave, watch the movie yourself because one could write a whole book about the shit in Zombie Nation.