Project Terrible: Buttcrack (1998)

Yeah, you read that right. I watched a movie called Buttcrack. I guess I should know by now that there's no getting out of my Project Terrible duties as far as Alec is concerned, so here we go. This pick is from Alex Jowski, and as you can probably tell by the title and the cover art, it is a god awful Troma picture (though actually not directed or written by Lloyd Kaufman) that is a blessedly short 67 minutes long. It's available on YouTube if you're wildly curious, but your time would probably be better spent getting a root canal or something.

Brian is desperate to spend some time alone with his girlfriend Annie, whom he wants to propose to, but his overweight and highly annoying roommate Wade keeps getting in the way. Wade's biggest offense is the fact that he can't kept his pants up, constantly showing his buttcrack. One day Brian gets so mad at Wade that he accidentally kills him, and Wade's sister puts a curse on him so that anyone who says the word "buttcrack" twelve times in one breath will bring Wade back to life so he can get revenge.

To put my feelings in the most eloquent way possible... OMFGTHAT'SSODUMBIWANTTOKILLEVERYONEWHOMADETHISMOVIE. I don't even really know what to say here - how could one measly hour hold so much awfulness? The term "low budget" doesn't even cover the almost non-existent production value, the actors who don't even try, or the filmmaking techniques that look like a child was behind the camera. Had I been in a better mood before I started watching this, I'm sure I would have found Buttcrack hilarious, and I know that you're supposed to. It's so ridiculous and stupid that it's not trying to be anything but ridiculous and stupid.

As possibly the most annoying person on the planet, the actor playing Wade is quite talented. Not only is he physically repulsive with his overhanging gut and unibrow (not to mention the buttcrack), he also has a super-annoying voice which he uses to sing horribly and talk non-stop about playing Atari. The other actors aren't any better. Brian's friend Ken is probably the worst because he can't seem to show any emotion at all and spends the whole movie with the same blank stare on his face. Brian's girlfriend Annie and her scrunchy face don't help anything either, and Brian himself is unattractive and dresses like he still loves 80s. Some idiot named Mojo Nixon takes his role as Preacher Man Bob very seriously, acting like the quintessential evangelical religious nut who has to speak at least five octaves above everybody else and has no control of his hands. They're bad. They're all bad.

I didn't even know that this was going to be a zombie movie, but when Wade awkwardly brings into a conversation with Brian that his sister is into voodoo, I knew that it was heading into that direction. Even though the movie is so short, you still have to wait until the last ten minutes or so for anything zombie-related to happen. And trust me, you've never heard anything like this before. Wade's offending buttcrack, which in once scene literally makes Annie vomit all over him, is actually what makes the people around him turn into zombies. Yup, just one look at that disgusting butt cleavage after Wade rises from the grave instantly turns several people (actually almost the whole cast because there's only about six of them) into zombies who for some reason develop nasty wounds out of nowhere in seconds.

And actually, the zombie effects were better than I was expecting considering the production value of the rest of the flick. In just a few minutes, they manage to pull off a guy getting his neck ripped out, a woman taking several gunshots to the face, and poor little zombie Wade getting one of his arms yanked off at the shoulder. So I was mildly impressed by that. Not much else.

At the end of the movie we get the most unnecessary scene of some people visiting Wade's grave a year later because he's become some sort of local legend. They then proceed to give the audience a recap of everything that just happened in the movie. It was three minutes ago. Do you really think we could ever forget what we just saw??? They say "buttcrack" again twelve times and the last shot is Wade's hand coming out of the grave again. Oh thank goodness, it's over. If you know what's good for you, you will never, ever watch this movie.